


Hanahaki Disease // Sanders Sides - Virgil

by death_by_fanfic



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2020-05-30 21:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/death_by_fanfic/pseuds/death_by_fanfic
Summary: Virgil's in love with Roman.It's as simple as that.Except, it's not.Roman despises Virgil.He's constantly belittling him and making it clear that he does not enjoy Virgil's role as a Main Trait.No one knows anything about Virgil's feelings towards Roman, not even when Virgil starts coughing petals. He intends to keep it a secret, and he's doing great at it, until he's not.|All characters belong to the amazing Thomas Sanders|





	1. Chapter 1

**Virgil POV:**

I haven't left my room in two days. I don't have the strength to make it three steps away from my bed, and even if I did have the strength, I couldn't risk anyone finding out.

A knock on my door woke me from a nap I had been taking.

"Virgil, can I come in?" It was Patton, most likely holding a bowl of soup that he wanted me to eat.

I rolled over, coughing a few times. I quickly hid the red petals in my hand inside my pillowcase.

No one knew that I had Hanahaki. I knew that it would break Patton's heart, Logan would probably not care, and Roman... He would probably be _glad_ to know that I was dying. He reminded me just how much he hated me every day.

It made sense that the one person that wanted me dead was the reason I was dying.

Once I made sure the petals were hidden, I responded. "I guess."

Patton opened the door slowly. Sure enough, he was carrying a tray with soup and some crackers on it.

"Hey there, kiddo. How are you feeling?" He sat on the edge of my bed, setting the tray on a table next to my bed.

I tried to answer, but the only response Patton got was a bout of coughing. I turned away from Patton, managing to hide the few rose petals that escaped.

Once I was done coughing, I turned back to Patton and croaked, "Not that great. Got a bad cough."

"Oh, I'm sorry kiddo," he whispered, rubbing my back lightly. "I brought you some soup. That might help a little."

I wasn't hungry, but I knew it would make Patton happy to see me eat, even if it was just a few bites.

"OK, could you help me sit up?"

Patton quickly helped me pile pillows behind me so I could lean against them. Many times during the process I had to choke back coughs, but it was worth it if it meant that Patton didn't find out.

Once I was sitting up, Patton grabbed the tray and placed it on my lap. 

"Here you go, kiddo," he stood up to leave, and I couldn't help the tiny sigh of relief. "I'll come back in a while to get the bowl. If you want, I'll make sure Logan and Roman don't bother you so you can rest."

I couldn't help a faint smile at the idea of not being bothered for the rest of the day, at least. It would certainly help me hide my secret.

"That'd be great," I whispered. "Thanks, Dad."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!!! I just wanna say, thank you to everyone who's read my book so far!! It means so much to me. I was really anxious to publish it, and you guys really calmed my nerves.

**TW: Talking negatively about others, crying**

|Previous chapter:

_I couldn't help a faint smile at the idea of not being bothered for the rest of the day, at least. It would certainly help me hide my secret._

_"That'd be great," I whispered. "Thanks, Dad."_ |

**Patton POV:**

Closing the door to Virgil's room, I couldn't help the faint smile on my lips when I heard him call me "Dad". I always viewed him as my son, and to hear that only made me want to protect him more.

I was so caught up in my thoughts as I turned around that I ran into someone and fell flat on my back.

Sitting up, I saw that it was Logan that I ran into. I felt my cheeks heat up, and I looked at the floor to hide my blush.

"My apologies, Patton. I was not looking where I was going," he said, holding out a hand to help me up. 

"I-it's o-okay," I stuttered, blushing even more. "I wasn't looking where I was going either."

"You look so adorable when you blush," Logan murmured, putting a hand on my cheek.

I jerked my head up, eyes wide at what he just said.

"Did I do something wrong? Am I not allowed to say that?" he asked, worry laced through his voice.

"Wha- no, no no no, you can say that. I just didn't think of you as the type to say those kinds of things." I looked at the floor, feeling stupid for thinking that.

"Today's your lucky day," he whispered, putting a hand under my chin and lifting my head so that I was looking at him, "because I have many phrases of that nature that I have been waiting to say to you, and nothing is going to stop me from telling my boyfriend just how adorable he is when he blushes."

He put his other hand on my waist and pulled me close, wrapping me in a hug. After a few seconds, he pulled back a bit and placed a kiss on my forehead. 

"You truly are adorable when you blush," he said, which only caused me to blush more. 

We stood there for a few seconds in silence before Logan broke it.

"If you don't mind me asking, what were you doing in Virgil's room?"

"Oh, just checking up on him. He hasn't left his room in a few days, and I figured I'd bring him some soup." I fidgeted and looked at the floor, worried that he would make fun of my idea.

"That's very kind of you, Patton. Is he alright?" I looked up at Logan and saw concern in his eyes.

"He just has a bad cough. I told him that I'd tell you and Roman to leave him alone for a while so he can rest." I was grateful that Logan didn't think I was silly.

"I will make sure to leave him alone. His health is very important." 

"Great!" I grinned, giving him another hug. "Wish me luck with Roman!"

"You will be fine," Logan said, hugging me back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I skipped into the kitchen, seeing Roman digging through the fridge.

"Hi-ya Roman!" I called, stopping right next to him.

When he heard my voice, Roman flinched and hit his head on the fridge.

"Ow, shit"

"LANGUAGE!!!!" I scold, chuckling lightly.

"My apologies, Patton, you startled me greatly when you said my name," He said, rubbing the back of his head.

"I'm sorry I startled you, Roman, there's just something I have to tell you. But first, let's get you some ice for your head."

I quickly got a towel and put some ice in it, handing it to a protesting Roman.

"No, Patton, I'm fine, really. It was just a little bump."

"Now Roman," I insisted, using my "Dad voice", as Roman liked to call it. "You hit your head pretty hard. You don't want it swelling up, do you?"

Roman sighed and took the ice, sitting on the island. "I guess not. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, yeah, that," I said, leaning against the counter. "Virgil's got a pretty bad cough, and I told him that I would tell you and Logan to leave him alone for a while so he can rest."

Roman scoffed, "Why would I want to go bother him? He bothers Thomas enough as it is. At least now he won't be able to offer his mopey-dopey input for a while. I don't like him."

Hearing Roman say that about my son broke my heart. I couldn't help but scold Roman, "Don't you go saying that about Virgil. He's just as important as the rest of us, and it's about time you realize that. You're always saying such cynical things about him, but he still has hope that you'll accept him one day. I hope that you do because this is the least princely thing you could do."

I ran out of the kitchen and to my room before I started to cry. I got to my room and collapsed on my bed, tears soaking my pillow. It hurt me to hear Roman talk about Virgil that way. I tried to stay positive that Roman would change, but that positivity was slowly withering away with each nasty comment. 

I knew that telling Roman he wasn't acting like a prince was low, but he needed to hear it because it was true. I've watched enough Disney movies to know that the prince is the one that is supposed to be there to help those in danger, not be the one to hurt others. I hoped that Roman had enough common sense to realize that.

A sharp knock on my door jarred me from my thoughts. I quickly wiped my cheeks and went to open the door, a huge grin plastered on my face.

I opened the door an inch and saw Logan's concerned face.

"Patton?" he whispered. "Are you ok? I heard the conversation you had with Roman."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied, praying that Logan would believe me.

Logan sighed, pushing the door open the rest of the way. "Did you really think that I would believe you, Patton? I may not be good at emotions, but I can tell that you were upset by what Roman said. You don't have to hide what you feel."

A few tears slipped down my cheek, and Logan's hand reached up to brush them away. "I just want him to realize that Virgil isn't a villain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a massive thank you to everyone who's read this book. You have no clue how honored I am to know that you guys are enjoying my crappy writing.
> 
> See you guys next chapter. And until then,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this chapter is a bit of a mess. It made (much) more sense in my head.

|Previous chapter:

_A few tears slipped down my cheek, and Logan's hand reached up to brush them away. "I just want him to realize that Virgil isn't a villain."_ |

**Roman POV:**

I sat on the island shocked at what Patton had said. 

_"This is the least princely thing you could do."_

I knew that some of the things I have said to Virgil have not been the nicest, but I had a valid reason for each remark. He was always being such a downer, always rejecting the fabulous ideas I had for videos. 

I was jarred from my thoughts when Deceit walked into the kitchen, holding his head as if he had a headache.

"Greetings, Deceit," I said jovially, lifting my arm in greeting. "May I ask what brings you to the kitchen? We had lunch not too long ago."

"Oh, nothing really, just following the Trail of Lies," he said, coming close to me.

"T-trail of L-lies?" I questioned.

"Yes, the Trail of Lies. Whenever one of you lies I hear whatever lie you told, and the closer I get to you, the louder it gets. It finally stops when I'm in the same room as whoever told the lie." Once Deceit finished his explanation he smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, so you're saying that I told a lie," I said confidently, even though that was the last thing I was at the moment. "Please, enlighten me on what it was."

"You know what it is. You just don't want to admit it." He said, smirking still.

In that split second, I felt my face pale, and I swear, my body temperature dropped a good 5 degrees. I had a suspicion about what he was referring to, but I wasn't 100% sure, and I dreaded that Deceit would confirm my suspicion. So I did the only thing I could think of.

I crossed my arms, huffing. "What if I told you that I honestly have no clue what you're talking about?"

"I would tell you that it is most definitely better for you not to know. Don't want to crush that poor, fragile ego of yours, do we?" He said, speaking as if I was a child.

"Don't talk to me like that!" I shouted, stomping my foot. "I am not some helpless child. I am a prince, and a prince is able to take care of themselves when they get hurt."

"Touché, you keep acting like one."

I couldn't take any more of this taunting. "Are you going to tell me what my lie was or are you just gonna stand there taunting me? 'Cause if you're not going to tell me, I have things I need to do before the day is done, and I don't want to waste any more time than I already have."

I stormed out of the kitchen, refusing to wait for Deceit to answer. As I walked past him, I heard him whisper, "I don't like him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got to my room and started pacing, running my fingers through my hair, tugging it at times.

Deceit said that I lied when I said that I don't like Virgil, but that can't be true, can it? Maybe he was just trying to make me frazzled. We've never gotten along, so that made some sense, but if it was just that, why was this bothering me so much.

I stopped in front of my mirror, staring at myself. My hair was a mess from me relentlessly running my fingers through it, my sash was crooked, and my signature smile was nowhere to be seen.

"Get it together Roman. Deceit's just messing with you. He's Deceit, for goodness sake, all he does is lie. You can't believe anything that snake says.

"Besides," I continue to myself, "you hate Virgil. Always have, always will. Don't let him get into your head."

I tried my hardest to get the thought out of my head, but it wouldn't budge.

_What if I'm wrong and I don't hate him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! Thanks to everyone that stuck with this chapter!! I'm sorry it's such a mess!!
> 
> So, what do you guys think of Deceit's "Trail of Lies"?  
> When I first had Deceit say "Trail of Lies" I had no plan for it to be something important to the story, but now that I'm finished with this chapter, I'm thinking of making it somewhat important to stuff in future chapters. What do you guys think?
> 
> Massive thank you to everyone that's read so far!!!! It means so much to know that people are enjoying my story!!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals.
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strap in everyone, it's about to get kinda angsty for the next few chapters.

**_If I have missed any triggers PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me!!!!_ **

**Trigger warning: self-hate, self-harm, mentions of past self-harm, suicidal thoughts**

|Previous chapter:

_I tried my hardest to get the thought out of my head, but it wouldn't budge._

What if I'm wrong and I don't hate him. |

**Virgil POV:**

As soon as Patton left, I turned my attention to the soup he had brought me.

It was tomato soup, my favorite, but I couldn't bring myself to have any appetite.

I knew I had to eat at least a little bit of it for Patton's sake, so I picked up the spoon and started eating.

About halfway through the bowl, I heard some shouting from the kitchen.

My curiosity got the best of me, and I wanted to go see who it was. Patton must have put something in that soup because I suddenly had the energy to get up and run a mile.

I tip-toed down the hallway and peeked around the corner into the kitchen. There was Roman sitting on the island with an ice pack on his head speaking rather harshly to Patton.

"-bothers Thomas enough as it is. At least now he won't be able to offer his mopey-dopey input for a while. I don't like him."

Hearing that confirmed my suspicion that if Roman ever found out that I was dying he would be happy.

I ran away, barely able to see where I was going. My vision was starting to blur from the tears that were frantically falling down my face.

I made it to my room and slammed the door before I collapsed on my floor, coughing up many petals. I couldn't be bothered to hide them.

It wasn't long before thoughts rushed into my head.

_He truly hates you. Nothing's going to change that. You were so stupid for falling in love with him. You'll only ever be an annoyance to him. Get that in your useless brain now._

Getting up, I stumbled into my bathroom and dug through my drawers, trying to find a friend I haven't seen in years.

It took me a while, but after a few minutes, I was able to find my little box. I sat on the floor and opened it, seeing the row of blades, some bigger than others.

I had been clean for over a year, and it had felt nice, but this was just too much.

_See, you're weak to even consider cutting. If you could actually handle this you wouldn't even have this box._

I don't even know why I kept it. I think it might have been in case something like this ever did happen.

_Look at them, all shiny and clean. Just imagine what you could do._

I picked up the smallest blade out of the box and put the rest on the floor next to me. I rolled up my sleeve and lightly pressed it to my arm. My hand was shaking, but I couldn't stop myself.

I dragged the blade across my skin, smiling slightly at the thin line of red that appeared where the blade had been.

I made more cuts, each one getting progressively deeper than the last until I had ten cuts on my wrist. I got up off the floor and cleaned my arm, surprised at how easy it was for me to remember the routine I had for cleaning up.

Once the bathroom was clean, I grabbed the box and some bandages and put them in the drawer of my bedside table.

"For those days when I didn't have any energy," I told myself, getting back into bed.

I knew that this was a bad habit to get back into, but who cares, I'm gonna die anyway. So what if it's sooner than I expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that got kinda dark kinda fast. You can thank my mind for coming up with this while I was in the shower. I was gonna post this tomorrow, but I couldn't wait for you guys to read it. Tell me what you think in the comments and feel free to vote!!
> 
> Again, if I missed any triggers, please tell me. Your guys' mental health is my top priority. If you or anyone you know is suicidal or even thinking about suicide, please call the following number depending on where you live; 
> 
> US: 1-800-273-8255  
> Australia: 131114  
> Canada: 514-723-4000 (in Montreal); 1-866-277-3553 (outside Montreal)  
> Mexico: 5255102550  
> UK: 08457909090  
> Netherlands: 0900-0113  
> Czech Republic: 549-241-010  
> Austria: 017133374  
> Italy: 06-3377-7740  
> Serbia: (+381) 21-6623-393  
> Romania: 0800 801 200  
> Lithuania: (Child line) 116 111; (Youth line) 8 800 28888; (Hope Line) 116 123; (Women's line) 8 800 66366; (Russian-speaking) 8 800 77277   
> Finland: 09-731391  
> Indonesia: 500 454  
> Malaysia: (06) 284 2500  
> Japan: +81 (0) 3 5286 9090 (Befrienders International, Tokyo); +81 (0) 6 4395 4343 (BI Suicide Prevention Centre, Osaka)  
> Ireland: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate); +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)  
> Cuba: 532 348 14 49  
> Philippines: 028969191  
> Sweden: 4-631-711-2400  
> Germany: 0-800-181-0771
> 
> Also here's a link to a website that lists a whole bunch of numbers for each country: http://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
> 
> So many people care about you guys. You're all such beautiful, incredible people. The world needs you around.
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals.
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't as angsty as the last chapter, yay!!

**TW: mentions self-harm**

|Previous Chapter:

_I knew that this was a bad habit to get back into, but who cares, I'm gonna die anyway. So what if it's sooner than I expected._ |

**Virgil POV:**

I was just about to fall asleep when I heard my door creak open. 

I turned my head and saw Patton. He gave a thin smile and walked over to my bed.

"How ya feeling kiddo?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed and brushing my bangs out of my face. 

"I, uh, I feel a little better. That soup helped." I looked down, fidgeting with my hands. I didn't tell him that I felt like I was being suffocated, that I wanted to rip the petals out of my lungs, that I was doing this for his sake.

His grin widened, "I'm glad that the soup could help." He leaned in close and whispered, "You wanna know the secret ingredient?"

He paused, waiting for me. I nodded my head, almost certain that I knew where this was going.

"Love," he breathed, barely audible. His eyes shone, and he looked so adorable. 

I looked at my hands, blushing. I fiddled with the sleeve of my sweatshirt even more, pulling a loose string. 

I looked up at Patton, who appeared to be looking at my arm. I looked back down and saw that a part of my bandage was peeking out. I quickly tugged my sleeve down over it, praying that Patton wouldn't ask what it was.

Sadly, my prayer wasn't answered.

"Virgil," Patton said, looking up at me with tears glistening in his eyes. "What's that on your arm?"

"It's nothing, Patton," I lied. "I was just cleaning behind my dresser yesterday and I got a pretty bad scratch, so I put a bandage on it. It's no big deal."

Patton sighed, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I felt him shaking, and his voice was unsteady when he spoke. "I thought that you had cut yourself. Don't ever do that, okay?"

"I won't, Patton," I lied again, feeling bad.

"Promise me," he said, pulling back and looking me in the eyes with his hands on my shoulders. "Promise me you won't hurt yourself."

"I promise, Patton," I said. What he didn't know was that I had my fingers crossed in the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo!!!! Sorry this is kinda short. I just needed to write something, and I had a bit of writer's block when I started. 
> 
> I've got this published on Wattpad, and there's a bunch more chapters up there, so, like, if you wanna read it, my username on Wattpad is also death_by_fanfic  
> So, yeah!!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	6. Chapter 6

**TW: Panic attack**

**Virgil POV:**

I woke up the next morning struggling to breathe. I sat up in my bed and coughed, petals cascading down onto my blankets.

I knew that I should probably tell someone, but, big shock, my anxiety won't let me.

Once I was able to breathe, I got out of bed. I started to walk to my bathroom but collapsed after just a few steps.

I laid on the floor contemplating whether I should get up or just stay there until someone found me. 

After a few minutes of silently debating in my mind, I decided on staying where I was. At that point, I didn't care who found me.

~~~

A while later, I heard a bang on my door. I slowly looked at my clock and saw that it was 1:30 in the afternoon. 

I had been there way longer than I thought. 

There was another bang on my door, and I turned my head towards it. 

"Come in," I croaked, trying not to cough and failing. I rolled onto my side so I wouldn't choke on the stream of rose petals coming from my lungs. 

I faintly heard the door of my room creak open and light footsteps shuffle in. 

Once I had finished coughing, whoever was there was crouched next to me. They reached out and tentatively placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright, Virgil?" they asked.

I turned my head and all I could see was black and yellow.

"Deceit?" I questioned, wondering why he would be here.

"That's me," he said. I could tell from his posture that he was scared that I would cringe away from him.

"Why are you here?" I inquired.

"I had to see if you were alright," he whispered, looking down at his gloved hands. "I heard the lies you told Patton yesterday."

"W-wait, what?? You... heard the lies... I told... Patton yesterday?" I had to keep pausing and catching my breath. I could feel tendrils of panic creeping through me, making my chest even tighter.

I think Deceit could tell that I was starting to panic. He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder, "Would you like to sit up?"

I nodded, unable to speak.

With some difficulty, Deceit managed to sit me up so I was leaning against my bed.

At this point, I was shaking. 

_What if he tells the others that I lied to Patton. They'll all come in and tell me how stupid I am. Then they'll take all my stuff and never leave me alone. That means they'll also find out about my disease. Oh, the irony, a disease getting a disease. Because that's all I am, a disease, a disorder that only holds people back._

"Virgil," Deceit said, both hands on my shoulders. 

"VIRGIL," he shouted. I flinched and looked at him.

"Breathe with me, Virgil. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Can you do that with me?" I feebly nodded and tried to imitate his breathing. 

It took me a few tries before I was able to properly do what he was doing, and even longer for my panic to subside. 

When I was able to breathe again, Deceit spoke again. 

"Are you doing ok, Virgil?"

I nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the help."

"No, that's not what I meant," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, besides the panic attack, are you ok? I was worried when I heard what you said to Patton."

I hung my head. "I... not really."

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up. Something about how Deceit was looking at me had changed. It took me a while to realize what it was, but then it hit me.

Pity. Deceit was pitying me.

As soon as I realized that I shoved Deceit away from me. I stood up and started pacing.

"Don't you dare feel sorry for me," I shouted. "I don't need your pity. I've gotten along just fine with everyone hating me. I don't need that to change just because I'm dying. Why are you even here? It's not like you actually care about how I'm doing. I know all about your "Trail of Lies" bullshit. You just came here so you wouldn't end up with a migraine. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, SO STOP LEADING ME ON AND MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL."

As soon as I finished I collapsed in a corner of my room shaking and unable to breathe. 

I was such a fool to think that Deceit actually cared about how I was doing. I should have known that he was only here because of his so-called "Trail of Lies".

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't notice when Deceit wiped a tear from his cheek or when he got up to leave, closing my door quietly behind him.

After what felt like forever I stopped shaking and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!!  
> What do you guys think of the book so far??  
> I haven't gotten that many comments, and I really want to hear what you guys have to say. 
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!!!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	7. Chapter 7

**TW: Panic attacks, talks about cutting, mentions blood**

|Previous chapter:

_I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't notice when Deceit wiped a tear from his cheek or when he got up to leave, closing my door quietly behind him._

_After what felt like forever I stopped shaking and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep._ |

**Deceit POV:**

I stood in the middle of Virgil's room, watching him sob in the corner near his bathroom.

He thought that I pitied him for what he was going through. He couldn't have been further from the truth. 

I don't pity him, I'm awed by the strength he has to go through that every day knowing that there's little chance for him to recover.

I knew for sure that none of the other sides, myself included, would be able to go through something like that and still be able to do our job.

The sound of nearing footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked over at Virgil and saw that he had calmed down some.

It was then that I realized that there were tears on my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away and left his room, making sure to quietly close his door behind me. 

Turning around I saw Roman running down the hall looking furious.

He stopped just in front of me and glared. 

"Do you know the meaning of all this?" he questioned.

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" I replied, confused as heck.

"Oh, please," Roman jeered, crossing his arms. "You were just in Virgil's room, so you _must_ know what happened. He gave Thomas another panic attack, and I demand to know why."

_Crap, Roman's gonna demand to go in there if I don't give him a good explanation._

_Well, then,_ I thought, smirking. _It's time to do what I do best._

"Oh, yeah, that," I said smoothly. "He was definitely _not_ worried about getting Patton sick because of how much he's with him."

Roman looked at me warily, and I didn't blame him.

Oh well, guess I'll just have to step up my game a bit.

"He did _not_ have a panic attack. He definitely did _not_ try to calm down, but he _was_ able to. He _didn't_ start coughing, and he _did not_ fall asleep."

Roman must have believed me because he sighed and uncrossed his arms. 

"Well," he said, "I guess I can bother him later since he's sleeping right now. It'll give us some time to clean up the mess he made without him making it worse."

He turned around and started walking away, presumably to go help Patton and Logan. 

Stopping at the end of the hall, he turned back to me and said, "You can come, too. We'll probably need your help."

_Oh, so_ I _will be helpful, but_ _Virgil , an actual MAIN TRAIT won't?? Roman, you confuse me sometimes._

I sighed and followed Roman to the living room where we sunk down to help Thomas.

We appeared in Thomas's living room, and it was a mess.

Thomas laid curled up in a ball on the floor, Patton next to him whispering to him. Logan stood off to the side watching everything, and I swear I heard the Microsoft Error noise every few seconds. 

Roman turned to me. 

"This is the worst panic attack he's had in forever. Nothing's worked so far."

I sighed, knowing that I was the only one who actually knew what to do during a bad panic attack.

"Don't worry, I got this." 

"Patton," I said, kneeling down next to him. 

"Yeah?" he whispered, looking up from Thomas. I could see just how scared he was. 

"Go get Thomas a glass of Gatorade or something with some sugar."

Patton nodded and hurried to the kitchen.

"Logan!"

Logan snapped out of his trance, straightening his tie. 

"What can I do to be of assistance?" 

I shook my head slightly and smiled a bit. "Go find Thomas a light snack."

Logan quickly left to do that, looking glad to have something to do that didn't involve emotions.

I turned to Roman, who looked ready to go get something too.

"What should I get?" he asked, confirming my thought.

"Nothing. Come here and help me lean Thomas up against the couch."

I turned back to Thomas, who I could see was shaking and crying.

"Thomas, can you hear me?" 

He nodded, showing that he could hear me.

"It's me, Deceit. Is it okay if I touch you?"

He nodded again and I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Roman and I are going to sit you up against the couch, is that alright?"

He tried speaking, but no sound left his mouth. After a few tries, he gave up on talking and nodded.

I waved Roman over, and he knelt down next to me. 

"How are we gonna do this?" he whispered.

"I'll get him up so he's kinda sitting, and then you grab under his left arm. I'll take his right arm, and then we'll slide him over to the couch and lean him against it."

Roman nodded, looking quite solemn. 

I grabbed Thomas under his right shoulder and tried to lift him up, but he flinched away from me and started shaking more.

"Shit," I mumbled under my breath. This would be harder than I thought.

"It's okay, Thomas, it's just me, Deceit," I whispered, lightly resting my hand on his shoulder. "I need you to let me get you sitting up so Roman and I can move you closer to the couch. Can you let me do that?"

He nodded, and I tried again, whispering encouragement the whole time. 

It took a while, but Roman and I were able to get him to the couch. 

As soon as Thomas felt the couch against his back, he pulled his knees up to his chest. I noticed his breathing get faster, so I leaned down in front of him and cautiously put my hands on his shoulders.

"Thomas," I said, trying to get his attention.

His breathing continued to get faster, causing my worry to increase.

"Thomas!" I all but shouted.

He looked up at me, fear clear on his features.

"Can you hear me?" I asked.

Thomas feebly nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm going to need you to breathe with me, okay? In for four seconds, hold for seven, and out for eight. Can you do that with me?"

He nodded again and shifted his weight, trying to hold my arm.

I smiled and started doing the breathing exercise. Thomas tried to copy me, but his breathing was so messed up he struggled a lot. 

"I-I-I c-c-can't-t-t," he stuttered, gripping my arm tighter.

"Yes you can, Thomas," I reassured. "You just have to keep trying. You're doing great."

I started the exercise again, counting with my fingers in front of me so Thomas could see.

It took a few minutes for Thomas to be able to do the exercise with me. Once he could do it, I did it a few more times to make sure that his breathing would even out and he would calm down. 

When I noticed his grip on my arm start to weaken, I dared to speak.

"How are you doing, Thomas?"

Thomas looked up from my fingers. 

"I'm doing ok, I guess," he said, shrugging. 

"I'm glad you're doing ok," I said. I looked over my shoulder and saw Patton, Logan, and Roman standing in the corner, Patton and Logan holding snacks for Thomas and Roman holding a blanket.

I nodded to them, letting them know that they could come closer and talk to Thomas. 

Patton walked up first, holding a cup of lemonade.

"Hey, kiddo. You gave us quite a scare, there," Patton joked, trying to lift the mood. 

He held the lemonade out to Thomas, who started to reach for it, but I grabbed it and placed it on the coffee table when I noticed Thomas's hand shaking. 

"You're still a little shaky," I told him. "Don't want you spilling that all over yourself, do we?"

"I guess not," Thomas said, laughing just a tiny bit. 

Logan and Roman walked over when they heard Thomas laugh. Logan set the snacks next to the lemonade, and Roman put the blanket he had grabbed over Thomas's legs.

We all sat on the floor in a circle making sure that Thomas wouldn't have another panic attack, talking and snacking on the giant bowl of chips Logan had brought.

Thomas eventually fell asleep, and we all sunk down and appeared in our living room. 

I turned to look at the others and saw them all staring at me as if I had grown another eye.

"What?" I asked. "Do I have something on my face or what?"

"How did you know what to do back there?" Patton asked. "I'm the dad of the house, and I had no clue what to do."

I shrugged. "Let's just say that I've had plenty of experience."

"Who have you been around that has been having panic attacks?" Logan asked.

"I have a hypothesis about who the person is," Roman said from where he was standing.

"And what is your 'hypothesis'?" I asked, curious to hear his answer.

"Earlier I talked to you as you were leaving Virgil's room," Roman said, starting to pace. "You said that he was _not_ worried about Patton getting sick, and he did _not_ have a panic attack."

Roman stopped pacing and looked at me.

"Because you are Deceit and often lie, I have interpreted that as he _was_ worried about Patton getting sick, and he _did_ have a panic attack."

I smirked at Roman. "Your interpretation is correct."

Roman started pacing again, clearly not done with his hypothesis. 

"You were with Virgil when he had that panic attack, and I'm guessing you tried to help him calm down," he looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. 

"Would I be wrong in saying that you have gained your knowledge on how to handle panic attacks through helping Virgil through his?" Roman asked, gesturing towards me to answer.

"You would not be wrong, Roman. I have helped Virgil through many panic attacks in the past, but only because no one else was willing or available to help him."

I heard Patton gasp, but I continued, still having more to tell them.

"I am, quite frankly, disappointed in all of you." I paused and looked at each of them in turn. "You, Logan, are too focused on gaining knowledge and working on your projects to help Virgil research ways to deal with anxiety and panic attacks.

"Patton, as sweet and as caring as you are, you often choose to make another batch of cookies or another cake when you could be spending time with Virgil when he's been locked up in his room all day.

"And you, Roman. You are such an egotistical prick that you don't notice just how much your "oh so clever" remarks hurt Virgil. You say you're a prince, but every time you interact with Virgil you are far from princely. You keep saying that it is your duty to help and protect people, I don't see you trying to help the one person that needs someone to save them.

"None of you see just how much Virgil needs you, now more than ever, and I am disappointed. It's not that I don't mind helping Virgil through panic attacks, but I shouldn't be the only one helping him. 

"He should feel safe coming to each and every one of you with his problems, but he clearly doesn't. When was the last time he initiated any sort of conversation with any of you?"

I paused to let the three of them think.

I turned to Patton. "When was the last time he helped you bake something just because he felt like it?"

Patton opened his mouth to respond but shut if after a few seconds. He blinked back a few tears and looked at the floor. 

"I can't remember," he whispered, reaching up to wipe away tears.

I felt bad that I had made Patton cry, but this needed to be said.

I turned to Logan next. "When was the last time Virgil asked you a deep question about the universe just because he was curious and wanted to see you almost have an existential crisis?"

Logan turned to look at the ceiling. I could practically see the gears turning in his head. I wouldn't be surprised if remembered every detail of every day. 

Logan sighed and looked at me. "The last time he asked me such a question was three months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and 45 minutes ago."

"I'm not gonna ask how the hell you remembered that, but don't you think that that was way too long ago?"

"I agree that it has been too long, and I do miss it a little bit," Logan said, also looking at the floor.

Finally, I turned to Roman. "When was the last time Virgil actually _talked_ to you?"

Roman smirked and opened his mouth, holding up a finger.

"Actually-"

"And not for a video," I clarified, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

Roman put his hand down, upset that his loophole had been found out. 

When he didn't say anything, I turned to the other two. 

"This isn't right," I said when they finally looked at me. "He shouldn't be scared to talk to any of you about anything. I get that he's the embodiment of anxiety, so he's gonna be nervous about it, but he shouldn't be _locking himself in his room because he doesn't trust you to not make fun of him_."

I paused to look at them, and the look on Romans face was quite intimidating.

After a few seconds of silence, he spoke up, a slight smirk on his face.

"But wouldn't him staying in his room be best?" he asked rather loud, looking around at us. "I mean, all he does is ruin stuff when he's out here! He rejects every single idea I have without even thinking if it's good or not. He is always so negative about literally _everything_. He's always moping around saying that stuff's gonna go horribly wrong, even if everything's under control and going great."

"Would you take a minute and think about everything you just said!!!!" I practically shouted. 

I realized how loud that was and spoke quieter. "The only thing you're concerned about is yourself and your precious ideas. Would it hurt you to think about why he does the things he does? 

"Yeah, he may reject your ideas, but it's because _he is the embodiment of anxiety and has thought about everything that can go wrong._ And he has time to think about what can go wrong because he locks himself in his room and no one bothers to check on him until he's been in there for hours or something happens and you blame him for it."

I kept getting louder until I was shouting again. "He's not the bad guy!!! How long will it take you to realize that???"

I paused to catch my breath and saw Patton and Logan staring at me and Roman with their chins practically on the floor. 

"We've been best friends for most of our lives," I whispered. "The only thing he wants to do is keep Thomas safe, and he always hates himself whenever he causes Thomas to have a panic attack. 

"He would always come to me when he started having a panic attack so that I could help him calm down and then make sure he didn't do anything to hurt himself once the attack was over."

Patton sobbed, and a wave of guilt rushed over me. Virgil would probably kill me, but they needed to know what I was about to tell them.

"When he first became a Main Trait, he didn't have anyone to go to when he had panic attacks, so they ended up being worse than before. Because of this, he hated himself so much that he started cutting."

I closed my eyes, "I remember when I first saw him three weeks after he had become a Main Trait. We were in his room and he had shown me his arms, which were covered in cuts, all in neat rows, some of them still bleeding. He told me about the panic attacks he had every day, only some of which reached Thomas, but he felt horrible after each attack. He started cutting to release his anger towards himself, figuring that he deserved the pain because that was all he caused Thomas."

I sighed, a tear streaking down my cheek. I looked up and saw Logan comforting Patton, who was sobbing into his chest.

"Virgil's probably gonna kill me," I murmured, "but that needed to be said."

As soon as I finished talking Patton looked at me, tears streaming down his face.

"Why didn't he tell me any of this?" he whispered. "Is it because he doesn't trust me?"

"I don't know why, Patton," I said. "He isn't one to usually share his emotions, and I'm almost certain that he doesn't want you to feel like you failed him. He's never had anyone care about him in the way you do, Patton, and he told me that he's scared you'll find out just how messed up he is and think he's a freak."

"My poor little anxious baby!" Patton sobbed.

Logan pulled Patton closer to him and whispered something in his ear. Patton nodded, and Logan cleared his throat.

"I'm going to take Patton to his room so he can calm down some," he said, steering Patton towards the door."

"Probably a wise idea," I said, still feeling bad that I had made Patton this upset.

Once Logan had guided Patton out I turned to Roman.

"And it would be a wise idea for you to go think about what I told you guys," I told him, turning to leave. "I'm going to go make sure Virgil hasn't hurt himself again."

"Again?" Roman whispered.

I turned around in the doorway and nodded gravely. "Again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!!!!!
> 
> This is the longest chapter I've written yet! 2924 words!!!  
> I hope you all enjoyed it!!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~~~~~PLEASE READ THIS PART~~~~~~~~
> 
> This chapter's gonna get kinda intense and is basically a giant trigger warning. I'm going to do a summary of it at the beginning of chapter 9, so feel free to skip this chapter if you're unsure if it's safe for you.
> 
> I care 'bout y'all so much. Please don't read something that will harm you.
> 
> If you are going to read the chapter, I'd advise having a tissue or two nearby because I was tearing up as I was writing this. Although, I am really emotional all the time, and I'm even more emotional right now because of reasons.
> 
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals.
> 
> Without further ado, chapter 8:

**Trigger Warning: almost a panic attack, self-hate, self-harm, talks about blood, suicide attempt**

|Previous chapter:

_"And it would be a wise idea for you to go think about what I told you guys," I told him, turning to leave. "I'm going to go make sure Virgil hasn't hurt himself again."_

_"Again?" Roman whispered._

_I turned around in the doorway and nodded gravely. "Again."_ |

**Virgil POV:**

I woke up in the corner of my room, my head groggy and my cheeks damp. I sat there and looked around my room, trying to remember what happened. I vaguely remembered collapsing on my floor and talking to someone, but the details were blurry. 

And then it hit me.

_Deceit, he came in here. He heard the lies you told Patton. He saw you have multiple panic attacks._

My breathing got irregular and I started to shake again, but I managed to get myself under control. God knows the last thing I need is yet another panic attack today.

I stood up, slowly stretching my legs. I had to sit back down almost immediately because of a head rush. I sat there for a few moments, my head pounding and my vision out of focus.

I tried standing up again, much slower this time to give my head time to adjust. When I could stand on my own, I turned around and saw just how much of a mess my room was.

Blood red petals covered the majority of my bed, and there were a few patches of them scattered across the floor. Clothes were haphazardly strewn across the room, daring anyone who wasn't familiar with the layout to try and cross.

_Good God, Virgil, get it together. Your mind is supposed to be a mess, not your room._

I sighed and started to pick up my clothes, making sure to shake out all the petals before throwing them in a pile at the bottom of my closet.

Once my clothes were all picked up, I straightened up the blankets on my bed. In order to do that I had to get them all off my bed and onto the floor. 

I know what you're thinking, _Very productive, Virgil. Making even more of a mess._ Trust me, things have to get worse before they can start to get better. **(A/N: Fourth wall, what fourth wall??? I don't see a fourth wall anywhere...)**

Grabbing the sheets from the pile, I shook them out and put them back on my bed. I did the same for all the other blankets on the floor until they were all back on my bed.

With the blankets somewhat neatly on my bed, I started to sweep all the petals on my floor into the center of my room. It took a while, but I managed to get them all into a pile in the middle of my room. I grabbed a Hot Topic shopping bag that was stashed under my bed and started shoving the pile in so I could throw them out.

Halfway through the task I heard a loud noise and paused. I stood up and opened my door, peeking my head out. The noise seemed to be coming from the direction of the living room.

I slowly walked down the hall, curious about what was going on. My room was at the very end of the hall, so I had to walk past all the other side's rooms.

Each door was open, which alarmed me. None of them usually left their door open, so something big must have happened for them to leave the entrance to their rooms wide open.

The farther down the hall I walked, the clearer the noise got. By the time I was at the end of the hall, I could hear that there were people talking rather loudly in the living room.

_I wonder who's in there and what they're talking about. It sounds pretty intense._

I stopped outside the door to the living room and glanced in. I immediately pulled my head back when I saw who was in there.

Roman, Patton, and Logan were all standing close to each other facing the door, and standing across from them was Deceit, whose back was to me.

I slowly looked around the corner and took in more of the situation. Deceit appeared to be lecturing them because he was talking rather animatedly and both Logan and Patton were looking at the floor. Roman was staring down Deceit, and I couldn't begin to fathom what he was upset about now.

Deceit raised his voice and I started listening to what he was saying.

"...he shouldn't be _locking himself in his room because he doesn't trust you to not make fun of him_."

_Oh, God. Are they talking about me? I swear if he says anything about my disease..._

There were a few seconds of silence during which Roman continued to stare down Deceit.

I adjusted how I was standing because one of my legs was falling asleep, and Roman's eyes flickered over in my direction and we locked eyes.

I froze, not knowing what to do. I didn't want to be the first one to look away, but I didn't want to keep staring at Roman. 

Roman smirked and kept looking at me as he started speaking.

"But wouldn't him staying in his room be best?" he asked, making sure it was loud enough for me to hear

I gasped and immediately hid behind the wall, not wanting Roman to see how much that hurt me. I stayed hidden behind the wall, intent to hear what else Roman had to say even though I knew it would break my heart.

"I mean, all he does is ruin stuff when he's out here! He rejects every single idea I have without even thinking if it's good or not. He is always so negative about literally _everything_. He's always moping around saying that all my ideas are gonna go horribly wrong, even if everything's under control and going great. ALL HE DOES IS BRING US DOWN!!!!"

As soon as Roman stopped talking, Deceit exploded.

"Would you take a minute and think about everything you just said!!!!" Deceit paused for a few seconds, and I could hear him take a few deep breaths. "The only thing you're concerned about is yourself and your precious ideas. Would it hurt you to think about why he does the things he does?"

Deceit kept talking, but I couldn't hear any of it. The only thing I could hear was my heartbeat pounding in my ears, the words Roman just said flying through my mind.

_"Wouldn't him staying in his room be best?"_

_"All he does is ruin stuff..."_

_"...always so negative..."_

_"... moping around saying all my ideas are gonna go horribly wrong..."_

_"ALL HE DOES IS BRING US DOWN!!!!"_

I pressed my back against the wall and slid down it until I was sitting with my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped tight around them and tears streaming down my face.

_There you have it. Romane hates you. He thinks you ruin everything for everyone._

I sobbed into my knees so it wouldn't be as loud and stood up, almost falling over. I raced to my room quite clumsily, not caring if the other sides heard me. Once I got to my room I didn't even bother to close my door.

I collapsed onto my bed, unable to breathe because of how much I was crying.

My chest hurt, and not just because of the multitude of petals in my lungs. I could feel my heart shattering, the realization of what Roman meant finally setting in.

I laid there unable to move for a few minutes before I sat up. I moved closer to my bedside table and grabbed my box out of the drawer and my notebook off the top. I tore 5 sheets of paper out of the notebook, grabbed my favorite purple pen, and quickly wrote a letter to each of the sides and Thomas:

 _Dear Thomas,  
_ _I won't even begin to comprehend what you must be going through right now. Having a side vanish is a pretty big deal.  
_ _I understand that you might not think that highly of me and might be glad that I'm gone, what with me being the embodiment of anxiety and all. I was only ever a nuisance and the only thing I did was hold you back.  
If I had one regret, it was that I couldn't keep you safe. There are many smaller instances where I failed to act when I should have, but the biggest error I can see is when I ducked out for a while.   
Yeah, seeing you and the other sides appear in my room scared the shit out of me, but it also made me realize just how much I had failed. You needed me to keep you from making terrible decisions that that could have ended with you dead.   
__I felt so guilty that I did something so selfish. I knew that that might happen, yet I still decided to vanish just because I felt like I wasn't wanted. I never forgave myself, and it became another bullet point on the list of all the things I hate about myself.  
_ _Just know that none of this was your fault. I was gonna die soon no matter what, so this just made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone anticipated.  
_ _I'm gonna miss you and the other sides wherever I end up. I'm gonna miss the bickering, the jokes, the videos, everything.  
_ _I never got to tell you this, but I love you. You are such an amazing actor, singer, YouTuber, and friend, and I can't even begin to fathom all the wonderful things you will accomplish now that you don't have anxiety holding you back.  
_ _Stay positive when I'm gone, okay? I know it'll be hard, but you can do it. Don't forget about Patton, Logan, Roman, and Deceit. They're there to help you too, but they're also gonna need some help.  
_ _If you would just do one thing when I'm gone, please make sure Patton doesn't blame himself too much. He'll need to be constantly checked on, but I don't want him to end up like me; in a coffin with cuts on his arm.  
_ _I realize that probably sounds a little dark even for Patton, but grief will do that to someone.  
_ _I'm going to miss you all so much.  
_ _Love,  
_ _Virgil_  
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

_Dear Patton,  
_ _I can't imagine what you're going through right now. It must be unbearable. I mean, your son just killed himself, and you couldn't even say goodbye properly. I guess this is what this is for; the goodbye that never happened.  
_ _Patton, this isn't your fault in any way, shape, or form. I knew that this was going to happen soon one way or another. Not necessarily me killing myself, but me dying. This simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.  
I'm sorry that I won't be around to make any more cookies with you. They were always so fun to make.   
_ _Even though I never told you this when I was around, I love you, and I couldn't imagine a better "Dad".  
_ _Don't cry too much, okay? I've gone to a good place, and you'll see me again eventually.  
_ _Stay happy. Thomas is gonna need you, and so will the other sides, along with the fans._ **(A/N: What's a fourth wall??? Does anyone even know????)  
** _Your son,  
_ _Virgil  
_ _And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep_

_Dear Logan,  
_ _Before you try and dive into why I did this to see if it's your fault, lemme tell you one thing. In no way, shape, or form is this your fault.  
_ _I had known that I was gonna die sometime soon one way or another. This simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.  
_ _Don't stay up late working yourself to death. You know it ain't healthy. To quote something you said in the Mind vs. Heart video, "You need optimal sleep and rest."  
_ _I'm sorry that I won't be around to ask you really deep questions that often end with you having an existential crisis. Those conversations were always very interesting, and you are a very good debater.  
_ _Take care of Thomas for me, will ya? He'll be needin' your logic to keep him safe. Make sure he eats and doesn't get into too much trouble.  
_ _I wanna make this as full of grammar errors as I can, but I'm havin a bit of trouble.  
_ _I know you ain't good with emotions, but I just wanna say that I love you, platonically.  
_ _From,  
_ _Virgil_  
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

_Dear Deceit,  
_ _How do you say goodbye to a lifelong friend? I guess some goodbye, even if it's just a letter, is better than nothing at all.  
_ _There's no way I can express my gratitude for what you have done for me in a short letter. You've always been there for me, even when I became a Main Trait and you had every right to hate me.  
_ _If it weren't for you, this probably would have happened a lot sooner. You were always able to distract me from the negative thoughts that were begging me to kill myself at times.  
_ _It was such an honor to be able to help you be able to not lie. It made me feel like I was useful, even for just a little while. You have no clue how overjoyed I was to hear you speak to the other sides without lying once.  
_ _I am incredibly sorry about what I said earlier. I know you do care about me so much. That has been made clear every time you helped me get through a panic attack.  
_ _When you told me that you knew about the lie I told Patton, I panicked because I was scared you would tell them about the cutting and my Hanahaki. I hadn't told them about either because I didn't want them to pity me and then demand to take care of me.  
_ _I will forever cherish the time I spent with you. It made the short life I had worth living. Sadly, some things aren't avoidable.  
_ _I was going to die soon one way or another, and I think you knew that. What I did simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.  
_ _Just know that in no way, shape, or form was this your fault. If anything, it's entirely my fault. I did something incredibly stupid; I fell in love.  
_ _That decision has been killing me, and not just because of the rose petals that filled up my lungs. Hearing what he said about me was what killed me.  
_ _Don't grieve too much. I will never forgive you if you give up. You gotta help Thomas and all the other sides. They're gonna need you to help them with the guilt they will most definitely feel.  
_ _I know I don't say this enough, but I love you, platonically. Of course, you already knew that, but it feels important to include that in the last thing I'm gonna be telling you.  
_ _This doesn't feel like it's the end, but that's just because I'm not dead yet. I'm only going to realize that this is real when my eyes close for the last time.  
_ _At this point you probably realize that I'm procrastinating, something I do best. To be honest, I am. I want to be dead, but I don't necessarily want to go through the pain of dying and realizing that I'm never going to talk to anyone again.  
_ _I suppose it'll be easier for both of us if I just shut up and kill myself already.  
_ _Goodbye, best friend,  
_ _Virgil  
_ _And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep  
_ _Yes, I feel my life is better/ So is the world we're living in/ I'm thankful for the time I spent/ With my best friend/ You're my best friend_

I saved Romans for last, knowing that it would be the hardest to write.

 _Dear Roman,  
_ _This was the letter I've dreaded writing the most. Why, you might ask, would I dread writing you a letter? To be quite frank, it's because of all the emotions and memories I have that are attached to you, both good and bad.  
_ _For the record, I've always been a Disney fan. Becoming a Main Trait and having that debate with you only made me love Disney even more. Just writing this I have Disney songs going through my mind.  
_ _I'm certainly going to miss the Disney marathons we all had once you let me attend. Even though I acted like I despised them, I secretly loved them. It was time spent with friends watching movies that I loved.  
_ _I suppose by now you're waiting for the typical "this isn't your fault". I would say that, but it would be a partial lie. All I have to say is be careful about who can hear what you say. You never know when they're just around the corner and hear every word you say.  
_ _Then again, I was going to die soon no matter what. It was just a matter of what killed me first, the petals that were taking over my lungs or the hateful voices both in my head and around me.  
_ _That's right, I had Hanahaki. I won't tell you the person I was in love with because then I'll want to die even more if this attempt doesn't work.  
_ _Just do one thing, take care of Thomas and the other sides. Also, don't get killed by a dragon-witch. We need you around, even if you are a bit of an egotistical prick.  
_ _Your Emo Nightmare,  
_ _Virgil_  
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Once I was finished with all the letters I folded them into thirds and wrote each of their names on the outside of their letter.

Turning to the box containing my collection, I opened it and took the sharpest blade out, setting it on my leg momentarily. I set my box back in the drawer, making sure to close and lock it so no one would know just how many blades I have.

Once I was certain the drawer was locked, I picked up the blade that was resting on my leg and pressed it against my wrist, thinking about what I was going to do.

If I went through with this, I wouldn't get to make any more cookies with Patton. I wouldn't get to ask Logan any more existential crisis inducing questions. I wouldn't get to debate Disney with Roman.

Roman...

Just thinking about him brought a new wave of tears and anguish. Who knew it was possible for so many emotions to be tied to such a simple sound.

There were many happy emotions and memories. The fun and happiness I felt from debating the dark side of Disney with him, which ended in a giant Disney marathon, me pointing out every dark detail. All the teasing that I knew was in good fun. Everything that made me fall in love with him.

But there were so many more negative emotions and memories that came as well. All the insults that constantly bombarded me when I first arrived. The teasing that quickly turned from fun to even harsher insults when he changed his mind about me. The exclusion from Disney marathons when I first arrived because I was "too negative." The evil glares I would get whenever we were in the same room. When I first heard him say that he didn't like me and every time after that.

And then what I just heard. Of course, I already knew that I screwed everything up, but it hurts 100 times worse when someone you love and think highly of recognizes your mistakes.

I pulled my thoughts away from Roman and back to the blade pressed against my skin. Even now there were tiny specks of blood appearing at the tip.

I smiled, thinking of how much more blood would appear if I pulled the blade towards me.

I squared my jaw and did just that.

Immediately there was a line of red on my wrist, steadily getting thicker. I stared at it, content with my choice.

I made another cut next to the first, making sure to go a little deeper. A steady stream of blood flowed down my wrist and onto my legs.

The blade in my hand was already red, but that didn't stop me from making three more deep cuts next to the first two.

It was then that I was aware of how much physical pain I was in. I started breathing heavily, which ended up making blood pour out of the cuts.

I grabbed the letters I had written and laid down on my bed staring at the ceiling with my arm held out to my side.

I placed the stack of letters on my chest and, with my good hand, reached and found my headphones. I put them on and started playing Helena by My Chemical Romance, breathing along to the lyrics.

_Long ago  
_ _Just like the hearse, you die to get in again  
_ _We are so far from you_

_Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate  
_ _The lives of everyone you know  
_ _And what's the worst you take (worst you take)  
_ _From every heart you break (heart you break)  
_ _And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)  
_ _Well, I've been holding on tonight_

_What's the worst that I can say?  
_ _Things are better if I stay  
_ _So long and goodnight  
_ _So long not goodnight_

_Came a time  
_ _When every star fall brought you to tears again  
_ _We are the very hurt you sold  
_ _And what's the worst you take (worst you take)  
_ _From every heart you break (heart you break)  
_ _And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)  
_ _Well, I've been holding on tonight_

_What's the worst that I can say?  
_ _Things are better if I stay  
_ _So long and goodnight  
_ _So long not goodnight_

_And if you carry on this way  
_ _Things are better if I stay  
_ _So long and goodnight  
_ _So long not goodnight_

_Can you hear me?  
_ _Are you near me?  
_ _Can we pretend  
_ _To leave and then  
_ _We'll meet again  
_ _When both our cars collide_

I saw a flicker of movement in my periphery and turned my head towards my door where Deceit stood.

It felt like that one part in The Fault in Our Stars because I couldn't hear Deceit when he yelled into the hallway, for Logan presumably, or when he rushed to my bed and tried to stop the profuse bleeding in my arm. All I could hear was my music.

It all felt like it was in slow motion. Logan ran into my room next, holding a first aid kit. I saw Patton standing in my doorway, sobbing into Roman's chest. Roman was looking on with an expression of absolute horror on his face.

_What's the worst that I can say?  
_ _Things are better if I stay  
_ _So long and goodnight  
_ _So long not goodnight_

_And if you carry on this way  
_ _Things are better if I stay  
_ _So long and goodnight_

My vision started to go black around the edges, and I locked eyes with Deceit one last time, who I think was telling me to stay awake. I gathered the last bit of courage and energy I had to sing the last line loud enough for him to hear.

_**So long not goodnight** _


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 summary for anyone that had to skip:
> 
> Virgil woke up after his panic attack and started cleaning up the rose petals that were spread across his room when he heard a loud noise come from the hall. 
> 
> He goes to investigate and sees the doors to the other sides' rooms open, which concerns him. 
> 
> Virgil reaches the living room, where he looks in and sees Deceit lecturing Roman, Patton, and Logan. Roman sees Virgil and says something in response to Deceit that he knows Virgil will hear. 
> 
> Virgil hides behind the wall and keeps listening to what Roman says, even though it hurts. When Roman's done talking, Virgil runs to his room in tears. 
> 
> Virgil writes a letter to Thomas, Patton, Logan, Deceit, and Roman and then attempts suicide. Virgil is listening to Helena by MCR when Deceit finds him and gets Logan in there with a first aid kit. 
> 
> The chapter ends with Virgil singing the last line of the song to Deceit, which is "so long not goodnight."

**TW: Suicide attempts, blood, lots of tears,**

|Pevious chapter:

_My vision started to go black around the edges, and I locked eyes with Deceit one last time, who seemed to be telling me to stay awake. I gathered the last bit of courage and energy I had to sing the last line loud enough for him to hear._

**_So long not goodnight_** |

**Deceit POV:**

I stalked out of the living room to go check on Virgil, silently cursing myself the whole way there.

_I messed up big time. I shouldn't have gone on that giant tangent. I bet I'm too late and he's lying in a pool of his own blood._

As soon as I had that thought, I froze in the middle of the hallway. Another, much worse thought appeared in my mind.

_What if he killed himself this time?_

I couldn't move, too terrified that I would walk in and see Virgil lying there dead. There have been so many close calls, but each time I've been there to keep him alive. No one was with him to keep him from doing something.

"Oh God," I whispered and started jogging through the Mind Space.

"Who's idea was it to put the living room so far away from the damn bedrooms," I said to no one in particular as I ran.

I ran down the hall, past the other side's rooms to Virgil's and saw that his door was open.

I couldn't hear any noises coming from his room, which concerned me slightly.

Peaking my head into his room I glanced around and didn't see him in there. I expected him to be lying on his bed, but all I could see was a giant pile of blankets.

I immediately turned around and ran back down the hall into the kitchen. I knew that he liked to go there when he was bored, so that was the first place I thought to look. There was no sign of Virgil in the kitchen when I first walked in, but I knew better. I opened all the cabinets to see if Virgil was hiding in any of them.

And, before you ask, yes, I have found Virgil hiding under the sink eating chocolate chips. Many times.

There was no sign of Virgil in the kitchen, so I raced through the house, tearing up each room as I looked. I kept hoping I would find him in a corner listening to music. I even sank down into Thomas's living room to see if Virgil went there.

I checked behind all the chairs, under all the cushions, and inside all Thomas's cabinets for Virgil. To my dismay, the only person there beside me was Thomas, and he was still sleeping on his floor where we had left him.

Reappearing in our kitchen, I raced back down the hall to check Virgil's room again. Logan was just about to enter his room when he saw me approaching and paused.

"Why are you running?" Logan asked.

I stopped a few feet from Logan and leaned against the wall to catch my breath.

"I can't... find Virgil..." I panted, "and I'm scared... that he's... gonna hurt... himself."

"Then don't let me stop you," Logan exclaimed, opening his door. "I wish you luck in your search for Virgil."

"Thank you," I said and started jogging down the hall again.

I reached Virgil's open door and realized that it wasn't all the way open, causing it to block half of his bed from view.

Pushing his door open the rest of the way, I saw Virgil lying on his bed with his headphones on. His left hand was resting on his chest on top of a pile of papers, and his right arm was stretched out away from him.

My breath caught in my throat as I scanned Virgil for any signs of injury. At first, I didn't think anything was wrong. Then I looked at his right arm closer, knowing that he preferred to cut there.

Virgil shifted a little and turned to look at me. Even though he barely moved, that little shift allowed me to better see his arm. In that second, I realized things were far from okay.

There were five deep cuts on Virgil's forearm. From where I was standing at his door, I could see the blood streaming down his arm.

After a few seconds of standing there in shock, my brain got over the initial shock and launched me into action.

"LOGAN," I shouted at the top of my lung. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE ASAP!!! AND BRING A FIRST AID KIT!!!!"

_He'll know what to do. He's read a bunch of books._

As soon as I heard movement in the hall I raced over to Virgil, grabbing a handful of his clothes from a pile in the corner.

I reached his bed and immediately wrapped the clothes around his arm to try and slow the bleeding, even a little. Within seconds, the clothes were covered in large, red patches of blood.

Logan rushed in and knelt down next to me, a roll of bandages in his hand.

"I'm going to put the bandages on to try and get the bleeding to stop," Logan said, removing the clothes. "I'm going to need you to try and keep Virgil awake."

"O-okay," I stammered, moving to Logan's other side so I was next to Virgil's head.

From there I could hear that he was listening to Helena, by MCR, which I knew was one of his favorite songs. He was looking behind me, but I could see his mouth moving along to what must be the lyrics.

I looked over my shoulder to see what he was looking at and saw Patton sobbing into Roman's chest. Roman stood there, a look of anguish on his face.

I turned back around, put my hand on Virgil's shoulder, and started talking to him.

"Hey, Virgil. You gotta stay awake. Please. We're gonna get you all fixed up, but you gotta stay awake."

I wasn't sure if he could hear me over his music, but I kept talking to him, starting to cry in the process.

Virgil moved his head and looked in my eyes. I noticed that he was very calm, although his eyes seemed a little it out of focus.

I stopped talking when I saw him take a deep breath, anxious to see if he would say anything.

Virgil kept looking at me, and all I could hear was him singing what I knew to be the last line of the song.

"So long not goodnight," he sang, and almost immediately his eyes slipped shut. 

Time seemed to slow, and the only thought going through my head was, _he did it this time. He killed himself and I wasn't there to stop him._

I started shaking Virgil's shoulder to try and wake him up, although a part of me knew that it would be futile.

"NOOOOO," I screamed, shaking his shoulder harder. "NOO, VIRGIL, YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!!!"

I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't care enough to wipe them away. I had to wake Virgil up.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Logan, a solemn expression on his face.

"I got the bleeding to stop and was able to stitch up the cuts, although he's lost a lot of blood. Because of that, he's unconscious," he explained, kneeling down next to me. "The only thing we can do now is to wait."

"I-i-is h-h-he g-g-gonna b-b-be ok-o-okay?" I stammered, my breathing uneven from crying.

"I don't know," Logan said, looking at the ground. "I would like to say that he will be okay, but we will have to wait and see. He may wake up in a few days, or he may never wake up."

Those three words, "never wake up," were the words I feared hearing since I became friends with Virgil. All the strength left in me vanished and I fell to the floor sobbing.

_Virgil might not wake up. Virgil, my best friend, might die, and it's my fault. I could have stopped him. I should have been there._

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Patton next to me. He opened his arms for me and I instantly fell into them, sobs wracking my body.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's gonna be okay, kiddo," Patton whispered into my ear. "We're gonna get through this. And you heard Logan. Virgil may still wake up. We just gotta believe that he'll fight through this."

I nodded, trying so hard to believe that Virgil will be ok. Patton gave me a tight squeeze and started rocking me side to side, whispering that it's gonna be okay.

We stayed there on the floor, Patton rocking me and whispering to me the whole time. He slowly combed his fingers through my hair, which was very calming.

Once I was able to breathe in a semi-normal pattern, Patton gave me one last squeeze and then let me pull back a little.

From my spot on the floor with Patton, I could see Roman having a whispered conversation with Logan. Logan was holding a stack of papers in one of his hands and running the other through his hair.

I saw Logan nod to Roman, and they both walked over to Patton and I. Logan sat down on Patton's left side. Patton instantly leaned into him. Logan put his arm around him and rubbed his back, placing a kiss on the top of his head. Roman sat down on the other side of Patton and stared at his hands, which were folded in his lap.

Logan cleared his throat and held up the papers he was holding.

"Virgil, uhh, wrote us letters, it seems," Logan said, stammering a little. "Roman and I conversed and agreed that it would be wise to read what he had to say."

Roman nodded at what Logan said, continuing to stare at his hands.

Logan started passing out the letters. He gave Patton his first, then Roman, and then me.

When I got my letter, I shrugged myself out from under Patton's arms and went to a corner of Virgil's room to get some privacy.

I curled up with my knees to my chest and looked at the folded piece of paper. I ran my finger over my name, marveling at the smooth flow of one letter into the next. Virgil always had a way of making everything he wrote look so flowy and elegant.

Opening the letter, I braced myself for the inevitable tears that I knew would come.

_**Dear Deceit,** _

_**How do you say goodbye to a lifelong friend? I guess some goodbye, even if it's just a letter, is better than nothing at all.** _

_**There's no way I can express my gratitude for what you have done for me in a short letter. You've always been there for me, even when I became a Main Trait and you had every right to hate me.** _

_Virgil, you know that I could never hate you._

_**If it weren't for you, this probably would have happened a lot sooner. You were always able to distract me from the negative thoughts that were begging me to kill myself at times.** _

_**It was such an honor to be able to help you be able to not lie. It made me feel like I was useful, even for just a little while. You have no clue how overjoyed I was to hear you speak to the other sides without lying once.** _

I closed my eyes and chuckled a little, remembering what he was talking about.

The day I disguised myself as Patton, I talked to Virgil and told him that I wanted to be able to speak without lying.

That day he wrote a sentence that we both knew wasn't a lie for me to try saying: _Virgil is my best friend._

When I first said it, I tried my hardest to say it without lying, but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.

Each day Virgil had me try saying the sentence again, and, slowly but surely, it got easier for me to say it without lying.

A few weeks after I disguised myself as Patton, I was able to actually have a conversation without lying. Virgil was the only one I had to thank for that. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself, which happened quite often.

The conversation I had with the other sides that day was about the stupidest thing. We were debating what the best topping for pancakes is.

Patton thought it was strawberries and whipped cream. Logan thought it was blueberries and syrup. Roman thought it was peanut butter and strawberries. Virgil thought it was Nutella.

When I walked in for breakfast, which happened to be pancakes, they were having a heated debate. I paused to watch for a little bit, not paying attention to exactly what anyone said. Virgil and Roman were really at each other's throats. Logan would occasionally add a comment, and Patton watched with bright eyes. I walked over to the fridge and rummaged through its contents, listening for a while.

After a minute or two, I had heard enough and stated my opinion.

"We all know the best topping is raspberries and whipped cream."

As soon as I spoke, the conversation at the table quieted. I even heard someone drop their silverware onto their plate. I turned back to the table after I grabbed a package of raspberries I found. That's when saw everyone's reaction to me joining the debate. 

Patton, Logan, and Roman were all staring at me with their mouths hanging open. I saw that it was Roman who had dropped his fork onto his plate. Meanwhile, Virgil looked like he was ready to burst with excitement.

After a solid minute, Roman spoke up.

"What did you say?"

I shrugged and walked over to the table, holding the package of raspberries in one of my gloved hands. "I said that the best topping for pancakes is raspberries and whipped cream."

I sat down between Virgil and Patton and placed the raspberries next to my plate. I grabbed two pancakes off of the stack in the center and put, you guessed it, raspberries and whipped cream on them.

I heard Roman stutter some when I put the toppings on.

"What??" I asked, looking up at him.

"You- raspberries- but- you-" he stammered.

"Spit it out, would ya?"

"You put raspberries on your pancakes, but you said that they're the best." He said, and it was easy to tell that he was dumbfounded.

"And..." I said, urging him to continue.

"You are Deceit," he said, waving a hand around dramatically.

"You lie. That is..." Roman trailed off for a few seconds before he continued, "for lack of better words, your job."

Hearing him say that stung a bit and put me at a loss for words. Luckily Virgil spoke up.

"I'll have you know that Deceit has been working on trying not to lie. He is able to have entire conversations without lying once." Virgil gave Roman a pointed look and continued. "That's why he said that raspberries and whipped cream are the best and proceeded to put them on his pancakes."

Roman looked down at his lap, ashamed at what he said.

From his spot next to me, Patton squealed and grabbed my arm.

"That's so awesome Deceit!!!" he said, looking like he was about to burst from happiness. Suddenly Patton's expression became much more serious. "Although everyone knows the best topping is strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the debate continued, except this time I was a part of it.

I smiled and opened my eyes, wiping a few stray tears that appeared because of that memory.

I looked back down to the piece of paper in my hands and continued reading.

_**I am incredibly sorry about what I said earlier. I know you do care about me so much. That has been made clear every time you helped me get through a panic attack.** _

_**When you told me that you knew about the lie I told Patton, I panicked because I was scared you would tell them about the cutting and my Hanahaki. I hadn't told them about either because I didn't want them to pity me and then demand to take care of me.** _

_**I will forever cherish the time I spent with you. It made the short life I had worth living. Sadly, some things are unavoidable.** _

_**I was going to die soon one way or another, and I think you knew that. What I did simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.** _

_**Just know that in no way, shape, or form was this your fault. If anything, it's entirely my fault. I did something incredibly stupid; I fell in love.** _

_**That decision has been killing me, and not just because of the rose petals that filled up my lungs. Hearing what he said about me was what killed me.** _

_**Don't grieve too much. I will never forgive you if you give up. You gotta help Thomas and all the other sides. They're gonna need you to help them with the guilt they will most definitely feel.** _

_**I know I don't say this enough, but I love you, platonically. Of course, you already knew that, but it feels important to include that in the last thing I'm gonna be telling you.** _

_I love you, too, Virgil._

_**This doesn't feel like it's the end, but that's just because I'm not dead yet. I'm only going to realize that this is real when my eyes close for the last time.** _

_**At this point you probably realize that I'm procrastinating, something I do best. To be honest, I am. I want to be dead, but I don't necessarily want to go through the pain of dying and realizing that I'm never going to talk to anyone again.** _

_Then don't. Don't kill yourself. Then you'll still be able to talk to us. It'll hurt more to die than it will to stay here and work with us to fix things. Goddamnit, Virgil, why'd you have to go and try to kill yourself?_

_I **suppose it'll be easier for both of us if I just shut up and kill myself already.**_

_**Goodbye, best friend,** _

_**Virgil** _

_**And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep** _

_**Yes, I feel my life is better/ So is the world we're living in/ I'm thankful for the time I spent/ With my best friend/ You're my best friend** _

Tears were threatening to fall down my cheek, so I had trouble reading the last few lines Virgil wrote. As soon as I finished reading the letter, I was sobbing again.

I clutched the letter to my chest as I sobbed, wanting so desperately to go back in time and change what happened.

_I should have looked closer when I first checked his room. Or I should have just not lectured the other sides and checked on him as soon as we got back. God, I'm such a fucking idiot._

I know that Virgil told me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what I could have done that would have changed this.

After a while, I opened my eyes and watched the other sides' reactions to their letters from my spot in the corner.

Logan was pacing in a circle next to Virgil's bed. He was still reading his letter and looked to be deep in thought. I kept watching him for a while, the pattern of his pacing soothing me some.

My eyes found Patton next, who was standing next to the door to Virgil's bathroom. From where I was sitting, it was easy to see that Patton was crying while he was reading his letter. I wanted to go over to him and hug him and cry with him, but I decided to give him some privacy while he was reading.

Lastly, my eyes landed on Roman, who was standing next to the door. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He was incredibly pale, and his eyes were the size of saucers as they scanned his letter. It seemed as if he was trying to find something written in his letter that wasn't there.

After a minute of looking, Roman froze and whispered, "Oh God." before running out of Virgil's room with his letter.

Logan stopped his pacing and looked at where Roman had been standing just seconds before. He looked at me and then Patton, who was staring at the door.

"I'll go see if he's okay," Patton whispered, starting to walk towards the door.

"That's a good idea," Logan said, nodding.

Patton walked past Logan on his way towards the door and they shared a brief hug. I made a mental note to ask Patton if they were a thing later when we weren't all devastated.

After Patton left, Logan went back to pacing. I was sure he was going to leave a dent in the carpet because of how much he paced.

I watched Logan pace for a few minutes, all the while calming myself down a little bit. During that time I noticed that Logan was holding another, unopened letter.

Standing up, I made my way over to Logan, who stopped pacing when he saw me approach.

"Who's that letter for?" I asked.

"It's for Thomas," Logan responded. "I'm trying to decide the best way to give it to him."

"I'll take it," I offered. "You know the most about first aid, so you should stay here with Virgil, and once Patton's done checking on Roman he's gonna need you there. No one's gonna miss me if I'm gone for a while. And, besides, I probably know Virgil the best, so I can answer any questions Thomas will have."

Logan sighed and handed me the letter. "You are right. You know Virgil the best. Also, Patton will be needing someone to talk to once he's done. Plus I would like to be able to keep an eye on Virgil."

Giving Logan a tight smile, I took the letter and headed out into the living room. Once I got there I sat down on one of the couches, looking at the letter in my hands.

_How do you tell your host that one of their sides just attempted suicide and we're not sure they're gonna make it??_

I sat there for a while, thinking. A few tears escaped my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away.

I took a few deep breaths to compose myself before I stood up.

"You can do this, Deceit," I told myself, pacing a little. "You only have to tell him the basics of what happened. Virgil just attempted suicide, we don't know if he'll wake up, and he wrote us all letters."

I took one last deep breath and then sunk down to break the news to Thomas.


	10. Chapter 10

**TW: talks about suicide attempt and panic attacks, even more tears**

|Previous chapter:

_"You can do this, Deceit," I told myself, pacing a little. "You only have to tell him the basics of what happened. Virgil just attempted suicide, we don't know if he'll wake up, and he wrote us all letters."_

_I took one last deep breath and then sunk down to break the news to Thomas._ |

**Deceit POV:**

I appeared on the stairs in Thomas's living room and could instantly tell that something was off. I glanced around the room and saw that everything was neat and. All Thomas's pictures and trophies were neatly arranged on his shelf. All the cushions on his couch were nice and neat, and the floor looked immaculate. But that wasn't what was off.

Thomas was lying in about the same spot as he was before, except he was hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. At a glance, he looked like he was on the verge of another panic attack.

I rushed over to Thomas, dropping the letter on one of the stairs. I made sure that Thomas could see me as I approached so I wouldn't startle him.

I knelt down next to him and repeated what I did earlier.

"Thomas, can you hear me?" I asked.

"Y-yeah," he said. I sighed in relief when I heard his response. He could actually talk, which meant he wasn't even close to the state he was in earlier.

"That's good. Is it okay if I touch you?" I asked hesitantly.

"Y-yeah," he said again.

I put my hand on his arm and slowly started to rub it, hoping it would help him calm down. After a few seconds, I saw Thomas start to relax a bit, although his breathing still seemed to be a little irregular.

"Thomas, your breathing looks kinda irregular. Do you wanna try that breathing exercise from earlier?" I asked.

"Th-that'd be n-nice," he said, his breathing a little shallow.

"Alright. Do you remember how to do it?" I asked and paused to let Thomas think for a second before he nodded.

"OK, in for four," I said, waiting to start counting until Thomas started. "Good, now hold for seven."

I counted on my fingers because, news flash, we're kinda _holding our breath._

When I reached seven, we both started exhaling, my fingers restarting the count.

We repeated the exercise a few times until I was certain Thomas would be okay. When I asked him if he was okay, he sat up against the couch and smiled, saying that he felt great.

"One question," I said. "Why's the living room so clean? It was a mess when we were in here earlier."

"Oohhhh, that," Thomas said, chuckling a little. "When I woke up from the nap I took, I felt the tiniest bit anxious. I was in the mood for cleaning, so I did that, and it helped some. Once I was finished cleaning, I felt a massive wave of anxiety, so I laid down on the floor, and that's when you arrived."

When Thomas mentioned a giant wave of anxiety, I could only assume that came from Virgil's attempt. I looked to the floor and frowned, reminded of why I had come.

Thomas must have seen my frown because I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Deceit?" he asked, and I could hear the concern in his voice. "What's wrong? Why'd you suddenly get sad?"

I sighed, looking up at Thomas. "It's a long story."

"Well," Thomas said, "I've got time."

I silently debated how I wanted to start this. I didn't want to go too far back because that would most likely confuse Thomas and make this take forever.

After a few seconds, I started to talk.

"I'm not gonna go into too much detail right now, but feel free to ask," I told him.

"After your panic attack," I started, curling my knees up to my chest and staring at a patch of the floor in front of my toes. "I went to go see how Virgil was doing. I checked his room but didn't see him, so I searched the Mind Space."

I paused to wipe away a tear that tried to escape down my cheek. I could tell that more were coming. I started talking faster, hoping that my explanation ended before I started sobbing.

"After I had searched everywhere, I went back to Virgil's room to see if I had missed him. When I walked in, I saw him on his bed and he-"

I was cut off by a sob wracking my body. I turned away from Thomas, not wanting him to see me cry.

I felt Thomas's arm snake onto my shoulders and pull me closer to him. It was then that I realized just how much I needed someone to comfort me. Curling into Thomas, I unabashedly cried, letting out all the emotions I'd kept trapped during the past day or so.

Thomas embraced me the entire time, rubbing my back and whispering that everything will be okay.

It must have been close to half an hour before I was able to calm down enough to respond to Thomas's whispers.

"E-e-eve-everything w-won't b-be o-ok-okay," I whispered, starting to cry harder.

"What makes you say that?" Thomas said quietly. His voice was lower than usual, which helped soothe me some.

I took a few shaky breaths to try and compose myself.

_God, get it together Deceit. Remember what Virgil said? "Don't grieve too much."_

Taking a few more breaths, I braced myself for Thomas's reaction to what I was about to say.

"BecauseVirgiltriedtokillhimself," I whispered incredibly fast. I felt tears pool at the corners of my eyes and I hastily brushed them away.

Thomas tensed, and I got ready for the barrage of questions he was sure to have.

"What?" he breathed.

"Virgil tried to kill himself," I said. I made sure to speak little louder and slower so Thomas could actually understand.

"He tried to kill himself?" Thomas asked, incredulous. "Why?"

"I don't know," I said with a sigh. "He didn't talk to any of us before..."

I trailed off and looked at Thomas, not wanting to say what came next. Thomas knew what I meant and nodded.

We sat in silence, a comfortable silence. I would occasionally glance at Thomas. He was staring at the wall, eyes out of focus and brow furrowed in a look of deep concentration.

After a few minutes, I remembered the letter Virgil wrote for Thomas. I got up from the floor and walked over to the stairs, which was where I had appeared. The letter was sitting on the second to last step where I threw it when I saw the condition Thomas was in.

I snatched the letter up and paused to look at Thomas. His purple bangs were hanging in front of his eyes, which were still staring off into space. He had very noticeable bags under his eyes, and he was slouched against the couch.

Realizing that I didn't know what time it was, I looked at the clock on the oven in the kitchen.

_9:54 pm?!?!?! Holy shit, that's way later than I thought!!!!_

I sighed and walked back to Thomas, letter in hand. I wasn't sure how Thomas would react to this, and I didn't want to upset him.

I sat down next to Thomas with a sigh and noticed that he hadn't moved an inch since I got up. He didn't even blink when I waved my hand in front of his face.

"Thomas?" I asked, growing concerned.

"Wha- yeah?" he responded, giving his head a shake.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I don't know," he said with a sigh, looking down at his hands. "It doesn't feel like this should be happening. I feel the same as I did yesterday, and you'd think... you'd think that something as big as this would change _something_ about how I feel."

Thomas sighed again and I could see tears in the corners of his eyes. This time it was my turn to wrap my arm around his shoulders and pull him close. To do that I had to place the letter the floor next to me. Thomas curled into my side and I could feel him shaking from the tears.

"Shhhh," I hushed, running my fingers through his hair. I remembered how calming that was when Patton did it to me. "It's gonna be ok. When I left, Virgil was still alive, so there's a chance he'll pull through this."

I felt Thomas relax a little, but he was still crying. I hugged him tighter and swayed side to side, yet another thing Patton did that helped me calm down earlier. I continued whispering to him, letting him know that all of us sides were here for him and that we would make it through this together.

Eventually, I noticed Thomas go silent, and I thought he had fallen asleep until he started hiccuping.

I glanced down at Thomas and watched him for a few moments. Each time he hiccuped, he flinched, causing his bangs to fall further into his face.

With each hiccup, I could see Thomas get increasingly frustrated with his bangs. As soon as they covered his eyes, Thomas sat up with a huff and shoved his bang out of his face.

I couldn't help but laugh at how childish Thomas looked. He was trying to glare at his bangs. The only good that did was make him look cross-eyed. Whenever he would hiccup, he jumped about an inch, causing his bangs to fall into his face. This only made him glare at them even more.

I took a picture on my phone, wanting to show the other sides when I got back. I tried to laugh quietly, but after the fourth time Thomas did that, I burst out laughing. I fell back onto the floor, clutching my stomach.

Sitting up, I saw Thomas glare at me, his arms crossed over his chest. This only made me laugh harder. I fell onto my side, tears threatening to fall onto the floor, except this time they were happy tears.

After I calmed down, I sat up and looked at Thomas, who had his back turned to me. I got up and walked around to face Thomas.

"Oh, come on," I said when I saw Thomas pouting. "You looked like a 5-year-old!! I couldn't help but laugh!!!"

Thomas didn't say anything in response. He just turned his head away from me.

"Come on," I whined, playfully shoving his shoulder. "Honest to god, you looked like a fucking 5-year-old!! Here, here, here, I'll show you."

I pulled my phone out from my pocket and found the picture I took while he was glaring at his bangs.

Showing it to him, I continued to defend myself.

"You looked like a 5-year-old!! How can you not laugh at that?!?!?! It's just too cute!!!"

Thomas took one look at the picture and burst out laughing.

"That's so awesome!!!" he squealed, sounding exactly like Patton for a few seconds. "You're right I do look like a 5-year-old!!!"

I rolled my eyes, "That's what I was telling you!!"

I gave a heavy sigh in mock irritation and looked down. I saw the note that was lying on the floor a few inches behind Thomas and froze. I suddenly remembered why I had come. I didn't want to ruin the fun we had been having.

"Deceit?" Thomas asked. "You okay there? You got kinda quiet."

Ignoring Thomas, I walked over to the letter and picked it up. A sigh escaped my lips and I felt a wave of grief wash away the fun moment.

I heard Thomas stand up, and then his hand was on my shoulder.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked gently.

I turned to face him, letter in hand. Thomas looked down at the letter in my hand, and I heard him take in a sharp breath.

"Is that- did Virgil write that?" he asked hesitantly, looking up at me again.

I nodded and handed it to him. "He wrote one for you, Patton, Logan, Roman, and I. Patton, Roman, Logan, and I have already read ours."

Thomas looked at the letter in his hands. After a few seconds, he walked over to the couch and sat down on one side of it. He had his knees pulled to his chest and was curled into the couch.

I watched him slowly open the letter and start reading. After a while, I walked over to the couch and sat on the opposite side.

While Thomas was reading his letter, I got some time to really think about what happened in the past 24 hours.

When I first heard the lies Virgil told Patton last night, I wanted to race into his room and make sure he was okay. The only reason I didn't was that I wanted Virgil to sleep. That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was not saying anything after he freaked out. I should have talked to him and reminded him that I'll always care about him. At that moment I could tell that the panic attack was making him irrational, and I should have said something.

Then there was the giant lecture I gave the other sides. That had been the worst mistake, even though it all needed to be said. If I had just left immediately, I would have been there to stop Virgil.

I shook my head at myself. I was such an idiot. I had so many opportunities to check on Virgil and make sure that he was okay, but I didn't take any of them.

I heard a sniffle and turned to look at Thomas. He was curled up in a ball on the couch, and he had tears streaming down his face.

"Thomas?" I whispered.

When he heard me speak, Thomas sat up and looked at me.

I held out my arms, offering a hug, and Thomas fell into them. Tears drenched my shirt almost immediately, but I didn't care. The only thing I could think of was making sure Thomas would be okay.

We sat there in silence, well as much silence as there can be when someone's crying. It had probably been 10 minutes when I noticed that Thomas had stopped crying. I looked down at him and saw that he had fallen asleep.

Slowly, so as not to wake him, I wormed my way out from under him. I grabbed a pillow off of a chair and put it under his head. Going upstairs, I grabbed a blanket off of Thomas's bed. When I got back downstairs, Thomas was peacefully curled up on the couch. He was hugging Virgil's letter to his chest like a lifeline. I placed the blanket over Thomas and walked over to the stairs.

I sat down on the bottom of the step and risked a glance at the clock.

11:04.

It was then that I realized how tired I was. So much had happened today, and I didn't get a chance to rest.

I sunk down and arrived in the kitchen of the Mind Space. I walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a few cookies from the top shelf.

I ate the cookies on the way to my room, which felt like it took forever.

Passing Patton's room, I heard muffled voices. I assumed it was Logan that Patton was talking to, and walking past Logan's open door confirmed my thought.

When I got to my room, I flopped onto my bed and instantly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**TW: Mentions cuts, lots of crying again**

**Virgil POV:**

Black. That was the first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes. Everything was black. I tried to turn my head to look around me, but I wasn't able to. I tried to move my arms, but they felt like dead weights by my side. My legs felt the same. I tried to speak, but my throat was parched, and I didn't make a sound.

I didn't know where I was. I didn't think this was heaven, and I was sure as hell that this wasn't, well, hell. I felt like I was floating in empty space.

As I contemplated my location, I slowly regained some feeling in my limbs. The first thing I could feel was solid ground beneath my feet. Feeling crept up my legs and through my body. When it reached my right arm, I hissed in pain, finally able to feel what I did to myself. I tried moving my arm to feel how bad the cuts were, but I still couldn't move any of my limbs.

Within seconds of being able to feel my limbs, I was blinded by a spotlight of white. I closed my eyes to protect them from the sudden brightness. Even with my eyes closed, the light was blinding, turning my eyelids orange. Opening my eyes a crack, they gradually adjusted to the light, and I glanced around the space in front of me.

There was a large rectangle of light directly in front of me. The area around it was black and looked endless. I was trying to see if anything was out there when a figure appeared in the light. Immediately my eyes were focused on it.

I couldn't make out any details on the figure. All I could see was their silhouette. Slowly they walked closer to me, stopping a few feet away from where I stood. From there I could see the basics of what they looked like.

They were wearing dark jeans, a purple t-shirt, and a medium grey zip-up hoodie. Their brown hair was dyed purple at the ends, and their bangs fell in front of their face. They looked to be my twin except for the fact that they didn't have any eyeshadow under their eyes, and they looked a lot more confident than I usually was.

"Greetings, Virgil," they said in a voice that sounded almost exactly like mine.

"Uh... hi??" I managed to croak out. "Who are you?"

They chuckled a little before responding. "I am you."

"How???" I asked, extremely confused.

"I'm a figment of your imagination," he said, taking a few more steps closer. "I'm still Anxiety, but more relaxed and carefree. I'm the version of you that you want to be."

I was still very confused, and I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.

"Where am I?" Each time I spoke it was easier for me to make noise, and my voice was almost back to normal.

"That's a good question," the other me said. "Technically, you're lying on the couch in the Mind Space, but you have locked yourself in your subconscious."

"So I'm not dead?" I asked.

"No, but you're close," he said, coming even closer. "Your fate is in your hands. You can choose to leave your subconscious and wake up from your 'coma', of sorts, or you can choose to die. It's all up to you."

He took a few steps back.

"I'll give you some time to think about your choice. In the meantime, I'll be watching something. Feel free to watch with me."

I saw him lift up his hand and snap his fingers. As soon as he did that, I was able to move my body. I lifted up my right arm, which still hurt, and saw bandages wrapped around where I cut.

I heard voices and I looked back up. What looked like a giant tv hung in the empty space, and the other me was watching it. On the screen, I could see Roman, Patton, Logan, Deceit, and Thomas. I took a few steps closer and realized that the tv was playing flashbacks of my favorite moments with all of them. It was currently showing the Christmas carol we all sang during a video last year. I watched each memory shown, caught in a web of nostalgia.

Halfway through the clip of when I revealed my name, the video cut out and turned to static.

"Hey," I said, turning to the other me. "What happened?"

"Just watch and see," he said, eyes never leaving the screen.

I turned back to the tv in time to see another clip appear. This clip was very different from the other ones. The ones shown before were happy memories, but this one made me want to cry.

The video started after I had passed out. I watched in horror as Deceit broke down and Patton tried to comfort him. With tears forming in my eyes, I saw each of the sides reading their letters, Roman running out of the room once he finished his. I watched as Deceit told Thomas about what happened, tears starting to roll down my cheeks.

The last few seconds of the video was Logan, Patton, Roman, and Deceit sitting at the table. Plates of food sat in front of them, but none of them ate. I looked closely at all of them and saw tear stains on each of their cheeks.

"What have I done?" I mumbled to myself.

The screen went black, and I stumbled back a few steps before falling to my knees. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I was gasping for breath.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see the other me kneeling in front of me. He gave me a sad smile and rubbed my shoulder.

"How... long... has... it... been... since...?" I asked between gasps.

"Three days," he whispered before I even finished my question.

Three days. Three days of them being miserable and not eating. Three days of them blaming themselves. Three days of them crying every time they saw me lying on the couch. Oh, god. What have I done?

I let all of the anger I felt towards myself out in tears, allowing them to cascade down my face. I hugged my stomach, feeling like I was going to be sick. I somehow knew that it was impossible, but I still felt it.

The whole time I was crying, the other me was gently rubbing my shoulder. The feeling of being comforted reminded me of Patton and all he did for me, which only made me cry harder.

When I had calmed down and stopped crying, the other me cleared his throat. I looked up at him, and he spoke.

"I'm gonna have to know your decision now," he said softly.

I straightened my back and wiped away any stray tears that were still on my cheeks.

Looking him squarely in the eyes, I responded.

"I have to go back."


	12. Chapter 12

**TW: Talks about not wanting to eat, lots and lots of tears**

**Deceit POV:**

It's been three days since Virgil's attempt. Three days full of silence and tears. Thomas hasn't left the house since then and has spent most of the time lounging around on the couch. He would only get up when he had to, which left Roman, Patton, Logan, and I with a lot of time to ourselves.

We each found a way to distract ourselves from the pain of what happened. Every second that we weren't eating or sleeping we would spend doing whatever helped the pain go away.

Logan had moved his desk and work out to the living room so that he could constantly monitor Virgil health. He would only get up to eat, but, even then, there were still many times where Patton had to bring a plate of food to Logan.

I would spend all my time on my phone reading stories on Wattpad. I read anything and everything as long as it wasn't a fanfiction about Thomas and us Sides. I was in the middle of reading a book called "my art" by a user named [I_love_spoons](https://www.wattpad.com/user/I_love_spoons). **(A/N: Fourth Wall?? Never heard of her...)**

Patton baked, and baked, and baked. Cookies, cupcakes, tiered cakes, brownies, pastries, any confection that you could think of, he found a way to make it.

On the second day of Patton baking, yesterday, he ran out of space to put the desserts he made. I was sitting at the table when he realized that, and I looked up from my phone as he walked off down the hall without saying a word. A few minutes later, he walked back in and right back out after he grabbed a few of the older treats. After watching Patton make a few trips, I got up and followed him after he grabbed a three-tiered cake.

After walking down a lot of halls and turning a lot of corners, I watched Patton go into a room that I didn't know existed. Patton had left the door open when he went in, so I quickly crept to the doorframe. Peeking my head in, I gasped but then immediately clapped my hand over my mouth so Patton wouldn't hear.

The room was larger than any of our room and looked to be a giant refrigerator filled with shelves. The walls were white, and shelves lined the walls and filled the interior of the room. Starting to fill up the shelves were the treats Patton made. 

From where I was standing by the door I could feel a slight draft coming from the room. I stood there for a few seconds, watching as Patton silently placed the cake he had brought in its spot next to other cakes. Once Patton was finished adjusting where the cake sat, he stood facing it and sighed heavily.

I took that as my cue to leave and silently backtracked to the kitchen. I sat down at the table and picked up my phone just as Patton walked back in to grab more sweets.

No one knew what Roman was doing. After he ran out of Virgil's room, he locked himself in his room and refused to answer to anyone for any reason. Patton tried many times to get him to come out to eat, but he didn't make a sound.

Looking up from my phone, I saw Patton walk back into the kitchen after placing the most recent tray of cookies in the room. He didn't know that I saw the room, and I planned to keep it that way.

He walked over to the stove, and, instead of getting out ingredients for a dessert as I expected, he pulled out ingredients for pancakes and scrambled eggs. I curiously watched as Patton mixed the batter for the pancakes and cracked the eggs into their pan and couldn't help but wonder,

_Why is Patton even bothering to make breakfast? He knows that none of us will eat anything._

This became clear very quickly. For the most part, we didn't eat unless we were absolutely starving. Eating made me feel like throwing up. Heck, even just the thought of food made me want to be sick.

Whenever Patton would turn around I'd continue reading the story I had up on Wattpad. I didn't feel like talking to anyone except for the people in the comments and my followers.

After about 20 minutes, Patton brought a stack of pancakes and a pan full of eggs to the table. He set four plates in front of our spots along with silverware. In the middle of placing the silverware on the table, Patton paused next to Virgil's empty spot and sighed. I looked up in time to see him burst into tears and sink into Virgil's chair.

I got up from my chair and sat in the one next to Patton, which happened to be his. Scooting my chair closer, I wrapped an arm around Patton's shoulders and pulled him close. Patton turned so that he was facing me and buried his face in my chest, his arms wrapped around my torso. My shirt was quickly drenched, and it didn't take long for tears to start streaming down my face as well.

We stayed in that position for a few minutes, letting our bottled-up grief and stress out. I looked around the kitchen, hoping that my tears would stop. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the shadow of someone in the doorway and turned to see who it was.

I expected it to be Logan, so I froze in shock when I saw-

"Roman?" I whispered, trying to not bother Patton.

My voice must not have been quiet enough when I spoke because Patton's head perked up as soon as Roman's name left my lips. Patton looked around the kitchen, trying to find Roman. As soon as he saw him, he stood up and ran to Roman. Patton threw his arms around Roman, and he returned the gesture, tears starting to form in his eyes.

Roman quickly had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he hid his face in Patton's neck. After a few seconds, Roman was sobbing. Patton whispered something in his ear, and Roman nodded. I watched as they slowly sunk to the floor, a mess of tears. It was then that I realized I still had tears streaming down my cheeks.

I took a deep breath in and sighed, hoping that it would help me calm down a little bit.

My sigh must have been loud because Patton raised his head and looked around the kitchen. When his eyes landed on me, he raised an arm and motioned for me to join him and Roman. I obliged and walked over to them.

As soon as I was close enough, Patton grabbed my hand and pulled me into the hug. I fell onto the floor with them and wrapped my arms around both Patton and Roman. I felt one of Romans arms go around my shoulders, and it was then that I realized just how much I had missed Roman when he was in his room.

We sat there hugging each other in silence. After a few minutes, I heard quiet footsteps and looked up to see Logan standing in the doorway.

"I-I'm s-sorry if-if I, uh, inter-interrupted," he stammered, a slight blush coming to his cheeks. "I heard crying, and I, uh-"

He cut off and I saw his eyes widen.

"Is that Roman?" he mouthed.

I nodded, feeling a new wave of tears come to my eyes.

Before I could form a sentence, I saw Patton's arm reach out and tug Logan into the hug. At first, Logan tried to refuse, saying that he wasn't one for emotions, but he was quickly silenced when Roman turned and wrapped both his arms around Logan's torso.

I looked up to see Logan's reaction and was shocked when I saw tears in his eyes.

We sat in a huddle on the floor. Patton had one arm around my shoulders and his other was holding Logan close. Logan was leaning into Patton, hugging Roman, who seemed to have Logan in a death grip. Each of us had wet cheeks from the tears we were crying.

Looking at the other three, I could see bags under Patton's, Logan's, and Roman's eyes, and I could only assume **(A/N: Don't assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an as out of su and me. I'M SORRY I HAD TO. _If you don't get it, watch the latest Sanders Sides video "Learning New Things About Ourselves_ )** that there were bags under my eyes. I noticed that Patton's were the darkest, which led me to wonder how late he stayed up baking.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Roman pulling away from the group. He sat there and sighed, wiping the tears off of his face.

After he composed himself, he looked at all of us before looking at the floor.

"I'm sorry I disappeared like that," he said. "I just, I don't even know why I did that."

"That's okay," Patton said quietly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "No one is mad at you. We've all been trying to find ways to cope, and if being alone in your room is what helps you, that's a-okay."

"That's the thing," Roman said, looking at Patton. "It didn't help. I just couldn't bear to see you guys, especially with the guilt from what happened."

Roman whispered the last part, and we all had to lean in to catch what he said.

We were all silent for a moment, pondering what Roman said. Eventually, Patton spoke.

"Roman, don't blame yourself. That's not what Virgil would have wanted." Patton tried to pull Roman in for another hug, but Roman backed away.

"How do you know that?" Roman asked. "Maybe Virgil did want me to blame myself. It sure sounded like that in the letter he wrote for me."

Patton gasped, "What do you mean?"

"Virgil made it pretty clear that I was to blame," Roman explained. "He said, and I quote, 'I suppose by now you're waiting for the typical "this isn't your fault". I would say that, but it would be a partial lie. All I have to say is be careful about who could hear what you say. You never know when they're just around the corner and hear every word you say.'"

Roman paused for a few seconds to take a deep breath.

"Why would he say that if it wasn't my fault?" Roman whispered, tears starting to fall down his cheeks. "I'm the prince! I should be the one saving people, not the one that makes them want to die. If I can't do my job, why am I even here!"

As soon as those words left his lips, a sob wracked his body. Patton pulled Roman into a hug and tried to calm him.

Logan and I looked up at each other, and I could tell that he was just as uncomfortable as I was. I knew Logan didn't handle emotions well, but I was uncomfortable because there were so many things I wanted to tell Roman. I refrained from saying them because, well, let's just say they weren't the nicest things, and Patton probably would make me wash my mouth out with soap.

No one spoke for a while, and I eventually remembered the pancakes and eggs that Patton had made. By now they were probably cold, but I figured they could be reheated.

"Patton?" I whispered.

Patton looked up at me, and I saw that he had a few tears on his cheeks.

"What about breakfast?" I asked.

"Oh my goodness," Patton whispered. "I completely forgot."

Patton stood up, pulling Roman up with him. They walked to the table together, and Patton helped Roman into his chair. Roman's sobs had stopped, but he still had the odd tear or two on his cheeks.

I stood up next and sighed before I held out my hand to help Logan up. Once Logan was standing, I gave him a tight smile, and we walked over to our spots at the table.

All four of us were silently sitting at the table, nobody making eye contact. None of us made any sort of move to get food because of our loss of appetite. Eventually, Patton sighed and stood up. He reached across the table and placed a pancake and a small pile of eggs on each of our plates.

Once Patton sat back down, the silence resumed. No one made any move to eat, not even Patton himself.

We sat there for close to 10 minutes, each of us alone in our thoughts. I kept thinking about what Virgil said in Romans letter. I pictured what I would feel like if the same thing happened with Roman and he wrote that for me. I probably would have done the same thing he did.

I was torn out of my thoughts by the sound of someone coughing. I looked at the other three and saw that they were just as confused as I was.

I listened some more, trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. After a few seconds, I heard more coughing, and it sounded like it was coming from the living room.

_Living room... what's in the living room that could be cou..._

"VIRGIL!!!" I exclaimed, rushing out of my chair and into the living room. From the sounds behind me, the other sides must have rushed out of their chairs to follow me, breakfast completely forgotten.

When I reached the doorway, I stopped just outside and tried to catch my breath. Once I stopped breathing heavily, I walked into the doorway and froze, my breath caught in the back of my throat.

I sensed the other sides come to stand behind me, and they each froze just as I had.

What shocked us was the sight in front of us.

There, sitting up on the couch and looking around the room with his back towards us, was none other than Virgil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada!! Virgil's back!!! 
> 
> What do y'all think about what Roman said? Do you feel bad for him or no? I'm not really sure myself. 
> 
> Like, I kinda get where he's coming from with the guilt and feel a little bad, but then I remember all the trash he said about Virgil earlier and think that he deserves to feel guilty for a little bit.


	13. Chapter 13

**TW: Very, very brief mention of suicide**

**Virgil POV:**

After I said that I had to go back, the other me smiled and slowly walked away, leaving me alone in the now dark room.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, waiting to go back.

I felt the darkness closing in on me, and, before I could make a sound, the feeling of the couch appeared under me.

Pausing for a few seconds, I took a few more deep breaths to prepare for the world I had to face. Well, I tried to take deep breaths.

I had forgotten that my lungs were filled with petals, and the deep breaths only led to a coughing fit. I rolled onto my side and coughed while petals fluttered out of my mouth and onto the floor.

After a few seconds, the coughing subsided, allowing me to breathe. I sat up on the couch and held immediately got a headrush. Putting my head in my hands, I waited for my vision to clear and my head to stop pounding.

Once the pounding stopped, I lifted my head and looked around the living room. For the most part, it looked the same, except it looked like Logan had brought all his work out here. There was a desk covered in books and papers in the middle of the room, and Logan's tie was draped over the back of the chair.

"Virgil?"

I heard someone say my name, and I turned around to see Deceit standing in the doorway with Patton, Logan, and Roman standing behind him. Deceit gasped and ran over to me, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug.

"De. Can't. Breathe." I managed to get out.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," Deceit said, letting go of me.

I smiled at him while I caught my breath, only to be interrupted by a fit of coughing. Petals escaped my mouth and settled on mine and Deceit's laps.

I heard a gasp from behind me and saw Patton run over to where I was.

"Oh my gosh, kiddo," he said. He placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me over. "Are you okay? Why are you coughing up petals?"

I looked down at my hands and fidgeted with the edge of my bandage.

"Uh..." I stalled, not wanting to tell Patton that I was in love with someone that didn't love me back. I knew that I'd eventually have to tell him, but I wasn't expecting it to be so soon.

Oh well, might as well get it over with.

"I have something called Hanahaki Disease," I started to explain. Roman and Logan had walked over to where I was and sat on the floor next to the couch. "A person gets it when they fall in love with someone and the person doesn't love them in return."

I heard Roman audibly gasp when he heard the part about the unrequited love. Makes sense, since he's the most romantic side of all of us.

"What are the symptoms of this disease?" Logan asked. I looked over to him and saw that he had pulled out a notepad and was writing what I said down.

"Well," I said, looking back down at my hands. "The person's lungs fill up with rose petals and they cough them up."

"Is there a cure?"

I sighed. "There is, I guess, although not many people choose to go through with the cure."

"Why would that be?" Logan asked."

"You see, the longer the person has the disease, the more their lungs fill up with petals. The person can choose to die from suffocating on the petals, or they can get a surgery that removes the petals."

"Wouldn't more people be getting the surgery so they can live?" Logan asked.

I looked up at them and sighed.

"The thing with the surgery is that it also removes that person's ability to love."

I finished speaking and looked down. Roman gasped, Patton put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder, and Logan gave a satisfied little "Hmph."

"Why didn't you tell us about this sooner, kiddo?" Patton asked.

"I didn't want you guys to pity me," I said. It was true. If I knew that they wouldn't feel bad for me, I would have told them the second I coughed up the first petal.

"Aww, kiddo," Patton said, rubbing my shoulder. "We wouldn't pity you. We want to help you."

I gave Patton a thin smile. "Thanks, but I don't need help. I've been just fine taking care of myself for the past three months."

With that I stood up to walk to my room, only to collapse and be caught by Roman. I looked up at him and saw him smirking at me.

"What was this about not needing help?" he teased.

"Put a sock in it Princey," I grumbled, trying not to blush.

Roman chuckled and then looked up at Patton. I heard Patton start to speak and looked over to him.

"Roman, why don't you carry Virgil to his room. I'll go make some soup, and then we can all figure out a schedule for taking care of Virgil," Patton spoke to Roman for most of it, but he turned and spoke to Logan and Deceit as well during the last bit.

When I heard that, I panicked. "Guys, I'm _FINE_. I don't need you to take care of me."

"Clearly you are not fine," Logan commented. "You are suffocating on rose petals, and, three days ago, you attempted suicide."

"Not you too, Pocket Protector," I complained.

"Virgil, come on," Deceit said quietly. "Let us help you."

I glared at Deceit and crossed my arms. Deceit stared back at me, practically begging me.

I sighed and uncrossed my arms. "Fiiiiiine. You guys can help me."

"YAY!!!!" Patton exclaimed, standing up and running into the kitchen to make soup.

Roman picked me up bridal style, my head resting on his shoulder. I closed my eyes, cherishing the one, and probably only, moment with the person I loved.

We got to my room sooner than I would have liked, and Roman gently placed me on my bed. I noticed that they had washed my sheets. 

_Probably to get the giant blood stain out._

Roman pulled the blankets up to my chin and started to walk away. He paused at my door and turned around, looking at the floor.

He drew in a deep breath and spoke.

"I-I read your letter," he said and looked up at me. I inhaled sharply when I saw tears glistening in his eyes. "It made me realize just how much of a conceited jerk I was to you, and I get it if you hate me. Hell, I hate myself."

I opened my mouth to respond, but he turned and left, leaving me to speak to empty space.

"It's okay, Roman. I forgive you."


	14. Chapter 14

**Virgil POV:  
** The first few days after I woke up were hectic. Patton was constantly running around the Mind Space either cooking, cleaning, making sure I was comfortable, or trying to work out a schedule for taking care of me. He had Logan help him with the schedule, but that ended up with Logan doing the majority of it. Deceit refused to leave my room, choosing to sit in a chair in the corner. Roman would poke his head in my room a few times each day to see how I was, but he never spoke.

Logan must have been the busiest of all of them. He had to run after Patton to make sure that he rested, which, from what he told me, was nearly impossible. He tried to pry Deceit from his chair but gave up after two days of being unsuccessful. Logan also had to make sure that my health was taken care of.

Twice a day, he'd come in and change the bandage on my arm and make sure the cuts weren't infected, and, while Patton brought me food, Logan brought giant glasses of water to make sure I wasn't dehydrated.

By the time it got to be a week after I woke up, things settled into a routine. Patton would bring me a small breakfast at 7:30, and Logan would bring me water and change my bandage for the first time at 8. He'd stay for a while, and we'd talk about the many mysteries of life. More often than not, that would lead to us having existential crises. Roman would poke his head in around 9:30, say some extravagant Disney quote that broke Logan and me out of our crisis, and then immediately leave. Depending on the day and how busy he was, Thomas would sometimes stop by around 10 to see how I was and chat for a little bit. Deceit would bring me lunch at 12 and then stay for a while until I'd get tired and fall asleep. Patton would wake me up around 4 and we'd talk about stuff until he had to go make dinner. At 6, Roman would bring me dinner, but he wouldn't stay at all. Logan would come in again at 7 to change my bandage and bring me more water. When Logan leaves, he'd tell me to not stay up late, but I'd not care and stay up 'till one in the morning scrolling through Tumblr and Wattpad.

On the tenth day after I woke up, Logan declared my cuts healed enough to not need bandages. Meanwhile, my Hanahaki was getting worse. It hurt to breathe, and I would have a coughing fit every ten minutes, although there were some days where I had very few fits. I was steadily getting less and less sleep because I couldn't stop coughing.

Patton brought me a crap ton of pillows and blankets for me to burrow under because I was always freezing. I would be so exhausted that I'd doze off whenever I wasn't coughing, only to be woken up by petals trying to escape my lungs.

A week after my Hanahaki started to get worse, I got restless. I hadn't left my room since I was brought in here, and I wasn't allowed to get out of bed because of my coughing, Logan's orders.

I woke up that morning knowing that today was one of the few days where I wasn't constantly coughing, and I was dying to do something. Looking over at the clock in my room, I saw that it was only 6:30.

"Uggghhhh," I groaned, falling forwards onto my blankets. I stayed in that position, face buried in my bed until Patton walked in with that day's breakfast.

"You doing okay there, kiddo?" Patton asked, sitting on the edge of my bed and rubbing my back lightly.

I slowly sat up and opened my mouth to speak, only to start coughing. Patton rubbed my back until the coughing fit was over, which must have been close to 10 minutes.

Once I stopped coughing and caught my breath, I turned to Patton. "You mean besides the fact that I have literal rose petals suffocating me?" I joked, earning a chuckle from Patton. "Other than that, I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm kinda restless, though."

"I'm sorry 'bout that, kiddo," Patton said. "I'd let you get up, but you know Logan is."

I sighed in agreement, "Yup. He's a real stickler for rules and schedules."

Patton patted my leg. "Maybe you could think of something to do in here with all these pillows and blankets."

I took what Patton said into consideration. I had enough blankets and pillows to cover myself. With some designing, I just might be able to...

"FORTS!!!!!" I shouted, startling Patton so much that he fell onto the floor. "Patton, you're a genius!!!! I can make a fort!!!"

Patton chuckled softly as he sat on the floor. "Glad I could help, kiddo!!"

He slowly got up and stood by the side of my bed, hands placed on his hips. "Are ya gonna need any help?" he asked, head tilted to the side.

"You know it," I said in reply.

**~~~Time Skip b/c I felt like it~~~**

After three hours, a few coughing fits, and many failed attempts, Patton and I sat in the middle of my bed, surrounded by the fort we made.

"Man, Patton," I said. "We really outdid ourselves."

And we had. Patton had conjured a second bed that he put next to mine. This meant that we could divide the fort up into "rooms", given that we had two king-sized mattresses to work with.

There were three "rooms":

One was for me to sleep in. This was the largest, taking up about ⅔ of one of the mattresses. 

Another was for me to relax in while reading a book or listening to music. That room probably had the most pillows in it, but I didn't take the time to actually count. 

The last room was for me to eat in. This was the smallest, and definitely had the least pillows in it, cause really who wants to be surrounded by pillows while they're trying to eat?

We struggled to put up the blankets at first, but Patton was eventually able to figure out a way to hang them up on the ceiling. This allowed us to hide the mattresses behind a curtain of blankets.

Pillows were literally everywhere; holding blankets down, stacked in piles in corners, and spread out across both mattress, yet there were still enough left over to bury me.

"You're right, Virgil," Patton agreed. "But what's the point of making a fort if you don't go overboard?"

"True," I sighed in response.

I flopped back into a pile of pillows, only to sit back up because of a few stubborn petals. Petals fluttered around me, settling on the pillows and blankets spread throughout the fort.

Once the coughing subsided, Patton took one of my hands. He squeezed it gently, and I looked up at him. I could see how worried he was for me, and I felt horrible that I couldn't reassure him that I was okay.

"Kiddo," Patton started. "We should probably talk about what you're gonna do soon."

I looked down, tears starting to pool in my eyes. I knew that this was going to be coming soon. I'd eventually have to decide whether I wanted to die or get the surgery.

"I don't know, Pat," I sighed. "I don't really want to think about that quite yet."

"I get that, kiddo," Patton said. "But we shouldn't ignore this for too long."

I nodded, looking down at my lap.

"Hey, don't let this get you down," Patton said. "I've got an idea that might help you decide a little bit."

Looking back up at Patton, I saw how hopeful he was.

"What's your idea?" I asked, hoping he'd elaborate.

"Well, I thought that maybe talking to a therapist might help you," Patton said. "I asked Roman if he knew any therapists in the Imagination, and he said that there is one that is very popular. His name's Dr. Emile Picani."

We were silent for a few seconds before Patton sighed. "I've got to go get stuff done. You think about what I told you. You don't need to decide right now or anything. Just think about what you wanna do."

He untangled himself from the blankets and pillows he was under and patted my leg before he left, closing my door behind him.

Looking around the fort, I grabbed as many pillows as I could and piled them around me. After a few minutes, I was practically buried under a gigantic pile of pillows.

Sitting there, covered in pillows, I was suddenly hit by just how exhausted I was. I had been able to sleep for about three hours last night, but that wasn't enough to make up for the amount I lost the week before. Before I could comprehend what was happening, my eyes drifted shut, and I was pulled into a deep sleep.

**~~~Time skip because why not~~~**

I was woken from my sleep when someone knocked on my door. Blinking my eyes open, I saw through the blankets and pillows that it was Roman, carrying my dinner on a tray.

He looked confused when he saw the fort, but then he started to chuckle as he walked over.

When he got to the side of the fort, he poked his head in and saw me under the mountain of pillows. He started to truly laugh when he saw me, which only made me blush.

"Looks like someone's feeling better today," Roman said, still laughing.

"Fight me," I growled, trying my best to scowl at him. It didn't work as well as I hoped, what with me being covered in pillows and all.

"Maybe later," he said as he worked to unbury me from the pillows. "But right now it's time for dinner."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm writing this out on a Google Docs before updating, and by the time I was finished writing this chapter, it was a little over 63 pages long. WHAT THE FRICK THIS IS THE LONGEST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo... the last few chapters have been somewhat happier, so it's only reasonable that things start to get angsty again.   
> The song is The King of Pain by Black Veil Brides

**TW: Panic attack, self-deprecating thoughts, wanting to self-harm, wanting to die, almost self-harming**

**Virgil POV:**

After dinner, which was a simple meal of spaghetti and meatballs, I thought I was to be left alone for a few hours.

Once I was settled in my fort, I let out a sigh. As much as I loved talking to Patton and interacting with people, it wore me out.

Slipping on my headphones, I pressed shuffle on my phone. The King of Pain, by Black Veil Brides, started to play, and I let the music take over me, singing along.

_Don't ever look to the son,_ _he will burn your eyes with the fire of his light  
_ _And never pray in the house of eternal sight_ _where the spirit goes to die  
_ _So now we stand up and again we cry_ _for the passion of his name  
_ _It's where we love, where we hate, i_ _t's the price we pay when our love is out of time_

_Where is the spark that won't fade away?  
_ _And where is the queen to my king of pain?_

_Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night  
_ _Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life  
_ _So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made  
_ _Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight_

_And when we find what we need from these broken hearts_ _and what was missing from the start  
_ _Speak the words of a God that refuse to lie to a believer that won't try  
_ _I want to give up as my vision fades, I'm left alone and now I'm blind  
_ _Don't make me go to the desert that I left behind_ _with the ashes of a faith that died_

_Where is the spark that won't fade away?  
_ _And where is the queen to my king of pain?_

_Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night  
_ _Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life  
_ _So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made  
_ _Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight_

_I cannot see what's become of life  
_ _It's all just passing by  
_ _I cannot see what's become of life  
_ _It's all just passing by, yeah_

During the guitar solo, I mimicked playing the air guitar, even though I had no clue what I was doing. When it got to the last refrain, I belted the lyrics out, not caring who heard.

_Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night  
_ _Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life  
_ _So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made  
_ _Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight_

Once the song finished, I sat there for a minute or two, thinking. 

When I took my headphones off, I heard someone clapping. Looking up in panic, I saw Roman applauding me from my door frame.

As soon as I saw him, my thoughts went into overdrive.

_No, no no no nonononononono. This is not okay. He knows I sing, HE HEARD ME SINGING. How much did he see?? What'll he think?? He's basically a perfect singer. He probably hated it. He probably thinks I'm such a weirdo now._

Before I knew what was happening, I couldn't breathe and tears were freely flowing down my face, soaking my knees, which I had pulled to my chest. I was shaking and was impervious to anything outside of my tiny bubble of anxiety.

I felt something touch my shoulder, and I flinched away, falling into a pile of pillows. My tears soaked the pillow directly under my face in seconds, but I didn't notice.

Burying my face in a pillow, I clamped my hands over my ears, trying to block out the thoughts flying through my head.

_idiot  
_ _worthless  
_ _burden  
_ _hopeless  
_ _failure_  
_unwanted  
_ _better off dead_

The last thought brought with it the strong urge to cut. A part of me knew that I shouldn't, but that part of me was infinitesimal compared to the urge.

Jolting up, I frantically tried to crawl my way out of the fort. I felt a hand on my leg, but I kicked it away, desperate to get out. In my hurry, I got tangled in a blanket, but I didn't let that stop me.

When I finally got out of the fort, I ran over to my bedside table, tripping and landing right in front of it. Fumbling with the key to the drawer, I managed to get it unlocked and grabbed my box from the drawer.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, but I shoved it off and ran into my bathroom, slamming my door shut behind me.

Falling onto the floor, I held the box containing my blades. Looking at it, the thoughts in my head escalated, telling me to kill myself then and there.

I slowly opened it, and there, lying in neat rows were my blades. There was one empty spot at the end of a row where the one I used all that time ago was.

I heard the door to my bathroom open and whoever was there gasped, but they didn't come any closer to me.

Grabbing the blade next to the empty spot, I set the box down on the floor in front of me. Rolling up the right sleeve of my sweatshirt, I saw the cuts on my arm that were still healing.

Seeing the cuts, I remembered the pain and emotions that I caused the others when I attempted. The guilt that they felt when they read me letters, Deceit refusing to leave my room once I had woken up, Roman refusing to forgive himself.

Remembering that, I knew that I could never put the others through something like that, no matter how much pain I was in.

Suddenly, I remembered the blade that was resting in my hand. I no longer wanted to have anything to do with it. Flinging it across the bathroom, I scrambled away from it and my box.

I was suddenly aware of the person standing in the doorway when my back hit their legs.

Turning my head back, I was greeted by Roman's white pants. He quickly crouched down and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Virgil, are you okay?" he asked, concern radiating from his body.

I quickly shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes again. I suddenly wrapped my arms around Roman's torso, desperate for contact. My sudden action surprised Roman, but, once he got over his shock, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around me.

Sitting there, being held by Roman, I suddenly realized how exhausted I was. That was my first panic attack since my attempt, and I had forgotten how draining they were.

Letting out a sigh, I let myself fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!!!!   
> Sooooo... things are getting angsty again... what do y'all think about that??
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gal, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	16. Chapter 16

**TW: Very, _very_ brief mention of attempted suicide, lots of tears, insecurities in relationships**

**Roman POV:**

After dinner, I helped Patton clear the table, and I noticed that something was off about his behavior. He looked like he was trying not to cry, and his actions were rather sluggish.

"Hey, Patton," I asked after observing him for a while. "Are you okay? You seem sad."

Patton turned around, a grin plastered on his face, but it didn't seem sincere.

"I'm doing great kiddo!!" he replied, but the cheeriness seemed forced.

Sighing, I walked over to Patton and gently grabbed his wrists. I lightly tugged him over to the table and sat him down in his chair. Sitting down in the chair across from him, I could see just how surprised he was that I had done this.

"Roman, I'm fine," he assured, voice desperate, but I wasn't buying it.

"Patton, please," I begged. "I recognize the forced cheeriness from the Moving On video. You promised you wouldn't hide your sad emotions as much, but you're doing it now."

Patton looked down at the table with a look of guilt on his face. I saw a single tear slide down his cheek, and I felt so bad that I had made Patton cry.

A second tear quickly followed the first, and a third came soon after. Patton soon had tears streaming down his face. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed into them, his entire body shaking.

"Oh, Pat," I murmured, moving so that I was in the chair next to him. "C'mere."

I scooted my chair closer and wrapped the usually cheery side in a hug. He removed his hands from his face and wrapped them around my torso, crying into my shoulder.

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. I let Patton get all his tears out, rubbing his back to try and comfort him.

After what must have been 10 minutes, Patton let out a deep breath and pulled away. He reached up and wiped away the last tears on his cheeks, a sad smile on his face.

"Sorry 'bout that," he mumbled quietly.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Patton," I said gently. "Everyone gets sad. Plus, it's good to cry. It's a natural way to release pent-up emotions."

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts," I said sternly. "It's good to cry. That's that."

I looked over at Patton, who looked to be deep in thought about something.

"What'cha thinking 'bout?" I asked.

Patton sighed. "I'm just thinking about what's been making me upset."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I offered. Patton looked hesitant, so I quickly added, "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, no, no, I want to," Patton explained. "It's just that I don't know how to explain it."

"Ahhh, that's understandable."

I stayed quiet for a few minutes, allowing Patton some time to think about what he was going to say. Eventually, Patton nodded and started speaking.

"I guess it started when I first found out that Virgil's got Hanahaki. It's just... I don't want him to die, but I don't want him to not be able to love. Why can't he just tell the person he's in love with that he loves them, and then they can be happy and fall in love and no one has to die?!?!?!"

I could tell that talking about this was upsetting Patton, and it pained me to see him so upset. Before I could say or do anything, Patton continued.

"I've also been stressed out because of stuff that's going on between Logan and me."

I wanted to scream. Here I am, the creative romantic one and everyone around me's relationships are falling apart. I felt so useless. I kept all this inside, though, and let Patton continue.

"Ever since Virgil's attempt, Logan and I haven't had the chance to talk or spend time together. I'm either busy cleaning, cooking, or taking care of Virgil, and he's either working or making sure that we all stick to Virgil's schedule. Honestly, sometimes it feels like he's talking to Virgil more than he's ever talked to me."

Patton paused to catch his breath and wipe away a few tears that had leaked out.

"I'm scared, Roman," he said quietly. "I'm scared that Logan and I are growing apart and will eventually just decide to break up. I don't want that to happen.

"I love him so much, and I don't know what I'll do if we end things. But I feel like we are going to end things because I have no clue how to fix what's going on. I don't want to interrupt him while he's working, and I just-"

A sob interrupted Patton, and he quickly covered his mouth as a stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks.

I pulled him in for another hug, and we stayed like that until Patton had calmed down.

Pulling away, I got a good look at Patton, and my heart nearly shattered. He looked so helpless and broken. I was determined to help Patton get through this rough patch of his relationship with Logan.

Suddenly, I knew what Patton needed to do.

"Hey, Pat?" I said quietly.

"Yeah?" he said, sniffling a little.

"I think I know how you might be able to fix things with Logan."

When he heard that, Patton perked up a little, which made me happy.

"You do?"

"Yeah," I said and then explained my idea.

"The first thing you gotta do is tell Logan how you're feeling. You're not going to get anywhere if you leave him trying to guess. Tell him that you feel like you're growing apart and that you don't want things to end. If he agrees with that, you can suggest that the two of you go out to the village in the Imagination for the day."

"Bu-" Patton started, but I stopped him before he could get far.

"Don't worry about Virgil. Deceit and I can take care of him for a day."

"Are you sure?" Patton asked, clearly hesitant to accept my proposition.

"100%," I replied.

"OK," Patton said, sighing a little. "I'll go talk to Logan right now. Thanks, Roman."

With that, Patton stood up and walked out of the kitchen to go talk to Logan, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. I understand if you hate me for making Patton sad. I get it, I hate myself. Like, it physically hurt me to make Patton sad, but I swear it's gonna help the plot a lot!!!!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


	17. Chapter 17

**TW: Panic attack, almost self-harm, some crying.**

**Roman POV:**

After Patton left, I thought about what I had just told him.

"You gotta tell Logan how you're feeling. You're not going to get anywhere if you leave him trying to guess."

I thought about that and how that might work for me and the problem I had that was stressing me out.

That problem being the fact that I was the one that made Virgil want to die.

I knew that I would have to actually talk to him about what I did. Looking back on what I said and did, I instantly saw just how much of an ass I had been. I felt horrible and wanted to ask Virgil to forgive me, but the thought of having to talk to Virgil about that scared me to death.

After a few very long minutes of debating what I was going to do, I decided that I would go talk to Virgil and pray that he would listen to me.

Getting up from my chair, I very slowly made my way down the hall. I walked as slow as I possibly could, trying to provide myself time to think about what I wanted to say.

"Virgil, I understand if you hate me, heck I hate myself," I started muttering under my breath, trying to figure out what to say. "I was thinking about how I treated you before, and I realized that I was such an ass to you. In no way did you deserve that, and I am truly sorry..."

I trailed off as I got closer to Virgil's room because there was... singing... coming... from it????

Walking up to his door, I saw that it was open, so I peeked in. What I saw shocked me.

There, sitting in the middle of his fort, was Virgil singing a song with his eyes closed. I could just barely make out the lyrics, but, from what I heard, it was gorgeous.

Even though we all had the same voice as Thomas, Virgil's was just the slightest bit deeper and sounded so warm and inviting. Kinda like being wrapped up under a giant pile of blankets when you first wake up on a cold morning.

I stood just inside the door, staring in awe as I watched Virgil. He must have reached some sort of instrumental break because he started playing the air guitar.

When he started singing again, he was so much louder, and I had to cover my mouth with my hand so I wouldn't make a sound.

_Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night  
_ _Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life  
_ _So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made  
_ _Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight_

When he finished singing, Virgil sat there in silence with his eyes closed.

It took me a while to fully comprehend what I just saw, but, once it sunk in, I couldn't stop myself from applauding such a beautiful performance.

He took his headphones off, and, as soon as he did, he looked up at me in shock. Almost immediately, I could see his chest rise and fall rapidly, and he curled up into a ball, hugging his knees.

Worried, I walked closer to his bed and saw that his eyes were wide and out of focus and that he had tears flowing down his cheeks. He was shaking like a leaf, and I could hear him gasping for breath.

"Virgil?" I asked, hoping that he would respond.

When he didn't, I reached out to touch his shoulder, but, the second my hand came in contact with his hoodie, he flinched and fell into a pile of pillows.

He buried his face in a pillow and clamped his hands over his ears. I didn't know what he was trying to block out as the only sound in the room was his strangled breathing.

I was scared. I didn't know what was happening, but I figured he was having a panic attack. I'd never been useful when Thomas had attacks, so I had no clue what to do now.

Suddenly Virgil sat up and started to crawl out of the fort. I tried to grab his leg, desperate to get him to sit still so I could maybe help, but all he did was kick my hand away.

"Virgil!" I said louder hoping he would hear me and snap out of it.

I had no such luck.

Virgil was moving so fast that he kept getting tangled in blankets, but he kept crawling away from me. I crawled after him desperate to make sure he was okay.

When he got out of the fort, Virgil made a beeline towards his nightstand. He fumbled around with something before opening the top drawer and grabbing a box from it.

Taking the box and leaving the drawer open, he ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Walking to the bathroom door, I heard Virgil's sobs from the other side. Trying the doorknob, I found it unlocked and quickly opened it.

The sight on the other side horrified me, and I couldn't help but gasp.

There, sitting on the floor, was Virgil. The box that he had grabbed from the drawer was full of razor blades lined up in rows.

I stood, frozen in place, as I watched Virgil grab a blade from the box and roll up his sweatshirt sleeve, revealing the cuts from his attempt in the process.

As soon as Virgil had rolled up his sleeve, he froze, staring at his arm. I couldn't tell what was going through his head, but it must have been a serious debate.

I was still in shock and couldn't move. I didn't know if I should run and get one of the other sides, mainly because I didn't want to leave Virgil alone in case he decided to take the blade to his skin.

After a minute or two, Virgil snapped out of his thoughts and flung the blade away from him. He scrambled away from it, which meant that he ran into my legs.

He turned his head and saw my pants. He froze just a little, and it was only then that I was able to move.

Crouching down, I gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Virgil, are you okay?" I asked, concerned for the side in front of me. I knew that the answer was clearly "no," but I wanted him to say it for himself.

Instead of speaking, he shook his head, and I saw that tears were starting to pool in the corners of his eyes.

Suddenly, without any warning, he threw his arms around my torso, burying his face in my chest. Once I got over the initial surprise, I hesitantly wrapped my arms around him in return.

As we sat there on the floor of Virgil's bathroom, I thought about what had happened.

_He was gonna cut again. Even after he nearly killed himself, he wanted to hurt himself even more._

_But he stopped himself. What did he think of that made him suddenly decide that he didn't want to cut?_

I heard a light snore that broke me out of my thoughts, and I looked down at the Emo Nightmare in my arms. Virgil had his head resting on my shoulder, and he was sound asleep.

Looking at him, I realized just how peaceful he was in his sleep. It came to me that this was the only time where he didn't have to think about whatever went on in his head.

Gently, so as not to wake him, I slid one arm around Virgil's shoulders and the other under his legs, picking him up bridal style. I carried him over to his fort, placing him on a pile of pillows in the middle of one of the sections. Grabbing a blanket, I gently draped it over him.

Once I got Virgil settled in, I crawled into the fort and sat on some pillows that were on the other side of the section. Once I was comfortable, a thought wormed its way into my brain.

_How many panic attacks has Virgil had with no one there to help him?_

The thought horrified me, and, because I'm a prince, I vowed that Virgil would never be alone when he is most in need of help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst!! Yay!!!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this!!!! It means so much to me!!  
> Check me out on Wattpad! My username's @death_by_fanfic
> 
> Until next time,  
> Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!
> 
> ~death_by_fanfic


End file.
